Hanging Up My Wonder Woman Cape (Well, kinda)

5 pounds
No more than five pounds

For the first and second weeks of my
surgery recovery
I was restricted
to carrying nothing that weighed
more than
five pounds.

My purse weighs more than five pounds.

During the remaining four weeks,
I was permitted to carry no more than
10 pounds.

I was advised to
NOT
lift anything heavier
than
a gallon of milk.

The restrictions
were intended to help me heal
To force me to take it easy
To not cause extra strain
or pressure
or stress
or tearing
or ripping
or loosening

or damage

to my insides.

My guts.

Restrictions
to keep me
from
over
doing
it...

From
over
doing
my life
my routine
my commitments
my self

I was
told
advised
even, ordered

NOT
to take on more
than my body could manage.

My very weak body
My body in need of rest
My stitched
clamped
repairing
body.

My kids are in the habit of asking me,
"Does that weigh more than ten pounds?"
and saying,
"You're not supposed to be doing that Mom"
"Give that to me Mom, it weighs too much"
"You shouldn't have lifted that! It probably weighs 11 pounds!"
"Wait for me, I don't want you disobeying the doctor."
But my favorite is,'
"Don't hurt yourself Mom. I'll do it for you."

The doctors and nurses know
what a post surgery body
can handle
and
what it can't.

And,
a post surgery body
such as mine
cannot
should not

carry
too
much.

The medical folks are looking out
for my insides.
my physical well-being.

And I,
as a result
have been
learning
how to look out
for
myself

by taking
their
advice
to heart.
To my heart.

I take on too much
I carry too much
I bear the weight too often
I drag around
and wrestle with
far
too
much

in
my
heart.

But.

Now,

in
these
almost-five-weeks,
I have unloaded
many, many
pounds
of
life
which I was
at one time,
I was desperately
awkwardly
ineffectively
and
unnecessarily...
carrying.

I am now,
limiting myself
restricting myself
scaling back
trimming off
setting aside
re-placing
tossing
emptying out

pieces of the past
people in the way
moments in my memories
worries about the future
concerns of the present
and
struggles in my soul
which had burdened me
weighed me down
robbed my joy
and
irritated the crud out of me.

And
it has been
amazing.

There are concerns I must deal with.
There are plans I must make.
There are people who really are important to me.
There are commitments I will keep
Obligations I will meet
Priorities I will manage
and
a life I have to live,

But there is
so
much
nonsense
noise
chatter
garbage
and


crap


mingled
mangled
and tangled

with what
actually
counts,
actually
matters,
actually
means anything;


and
THESE things,

These truly
actual
important
meaningful
things
and people
and commitments
do
NOT weigh more than 10 pounds.

Now that I've figured this out,
healed in this regard,
begun living a new way,
I can handle them.
I can carry and conquer
manage and maintain
deliver and devote myself
to what matters.
Really matters.

I can,
and have,
let go--
of what does not.

I am light
and free
and emptied out of so
much
junk
that I used to try to sift through and hold on to:

People's opinions
expectations
judgements
perceptions
pressures
criticisms
and
beliefs

about

who
I am
should be
shouldn't be,
about what I've done
or haven't done
what I'm doing
or not doing
who I am with
how I am spending my time
how I am raising my children
what I have chosen....

Ahhhh...
deep breaths are so much better
peace is so much easier
my heart is so much freer.

For too long,
I was bundling up events
and disappointments
and confrontations
and rejections
and double-standards
and confusion
and pressure

adding them to my load
stuffing them down
allowing them to add bulk
throwing me off balance
weighing down my heart, soul and mind.

So,
If I have changed
it is for the better
If I am less involved
with an activity
a opportunity
an event,

or even
less
involved
with
people
(or even with you),

it is because I am only carrying what is right for me to carry
I am not taking on more than the 10 pounds
that matter to me.
The 10 pounds
I am choosing to focus on.
I no longer have to be Wonder Woman.

I simply don't have the strength...
(well, actually
I might have the strength,
but I am
choosing
where
and on what
and with whom
I am using the strength I have.)

I am weak
I am vulnerable
and
so
very
blessed
to have discovered it.

I am taking care of me...

and loving it.

I have loved this time of healing.
I have loved the results of thinking
and feeling
and forgiving
and deciding
and coming to a place
where I know
more deeply
who I am
what I want
how I want to be
what and who, I need in my future
and
what matters most
in my life...
and
deciding
what doesn't.


I love how

being limited,

has left me

feeling

limitless.


I wonder what would happen,
if we were all confined
to carrying only 10 pounds of our pasts
into our futures?

How many things would end up
left behind?
How many transgressions
failures
heartbreaks
griefs
disappointments
fights
frustrations
attacks
and judgements
would we choose to carry with us,
if we could only carry 10 pounds?

What would we choose to hold on to?
What (and who) would we release?

Carry what you want.

I choose to carry 10 pounds of
love
forgiveness
acceptance
kindness
faith
empathy
insight
wisdom
compassion

and

hope.

I want 8 pounds of what I carry
to
be
comprised of

hope.

I am restricting myself
to carrying
8 pounds of hope
and
2 pounds of
every
thing
else.

I want to be so filled with these things
that there isn't room for anything else.

I've only got 10 pounds I am allowed to carry
and I'm choosing wisely.