Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Don't Do Windows (Anymore)

I have been debating for a while now
just how long I have to wait before I can feel

Not wondering about when I'll find happiness
or when I'll get to a place of happiness
or when I'll actually be happy...

but, wondering, debating and considering
how long it will be before I
allow myself
to feel happy.

Last year I went through a loss.
Not the same kind of a loss as I did when my mother died.
(That kind of loss was one which was placed in my life.
Placed in my life through the ending of her life,
and the continuing of mine without her.)

Last year,
I went through a loss that was
of my own choosing.
Kind of.
At least, that is how it looks.

And while I didn't choose it alone,
it was a choice.
A decision.
An agreement to lose.
A final answer.
A breaking.
A losing.
A loss.

because it was a loss by choice,
(a very public choice based on very private events),
it was a loss experienced because of a controversial choice,
a choice about which I made no grand statements,
issued no invitations for input,
offered no explanations
or answered any curious questioners...
I have dealt with my choice (and loss) mostly
in silence
on my own
at my pace
without many other voices
or ears
or arms.

And here I am.
The next year.
After the loss.

Many things have changed in the past year.
Many things about me have changed.
But many have stayed the same.

I am still a Pleaser
I am still a Worrier
I am still so overly aware of what I think people think
about me
about my life
about my children
about my everything

There is still something in me,
that lives my life in two ways.
I live my life on the inside....
knowing who I am
what I need
what I have known
what I am learning
what I long for
who I long to be
Who I long to please.
With struggles


I live this other life as well
(which I detest about myself),
which thinks about
dwells on
ruminates over
how I am perceived from outside.

I, long ago, placed myself in a fishbowl,

I bought
took up residence
set up my home
in a glass house
of my own fears
and insecurities

I live in this house and project that
everyone is standing beyond the walls,
with rocks in hand
sticks and stones
picks and hammers
ready to knock their way through
chip at my security
chisel away at the structure of my safety
Peck at, crack and shatter...


with their opinions

In one breath, I can convince myself
that this is NOT the case...
that people, friends, even family
are not peering into my life with a set of eyes
wanting to see me fall or fail or be devastated for my choices,

while in the next moment
I know it kind of is the case.
I am not so naive as to think I am not being judged
and watched
by others.

while I am sitting here
this year
in the moment
at this point...

I am moving forward
at a strong pace
with a sense of where I am going
with hope
and energy
and readiness for the rest of my days

that life I live
in that glass house
of my own construction

I am fresh out of Windex
I have exhausted my arms scrubbing away the smudges
I have hung curtains,
strategically placed the furniture
spruced up the landscaping
dimmed the lights
holed up on the inside, where I feel safe
to avoid the neighbors
the gawkers
the gossips
and people I have disappointed
who have been so disappointed in me.

I have stayed inside,
because of my fear of others


I want the sunshine.
I want to open the windows and let the fresh air inside.
I want streams of light brightening the place
I want the warmth of the new day to fill my spaces.

I am well.
I am doing really well.
And I'm ready to let it be known.
I am loved by Him.
I am well.
I am living again
and not hiding it any more.
I am not hiding.

I am allowing myself

I am allowing myself the freedom
to be happy
and the freedom to express it
regardless of the 
imaginary or actual
slingshots beyond my door

I have made another choice today
I am choosing
to cut a few holes in the glass

I am carefully
etching my initials in the windows
tapping at a few spots with my own tools
letting a few slivers of glass fall to the ground
by my own hand.

Eventually, I'll chip away at enough
and let the whole thing collapse--
My Glass House:
my need for the approval of others
my anxieties about disappointing people
and fears of them not loving me anymore.

I'm not saying I'm ready (yet) to rent a wrecking ball,
but I am going to try singing the high notes 
and see if I can make this thing shatter
(or at least get the walls to shake)

No more hiding happiness.

And by the way,
I realize now
that my real question
hasn't been
"When will I allow myself to be happy again?"
My "Glass House of Fear" question has really been,
"When will other people approve of me being happy again?"
See how imprisoned I can be....?

It's time to tell the truth and bring the house down.