Monday, November 12, 2012

Mission (not even CLOSE to being) Accomplished

From the time I could write,
I have loved making lists.

And from the time I could write lists,
I have made "Things TO DO" lists.

I tediously created lists as a girl with:

1. Wake Up
2. Brush Teeth
3. Get Dressed
4. Brush Hair
5. Eat Breakfast

often securing the "Top 5" spots--
mostly because I knew I would be able to
check them off
without much effort,
and I'd feel like I'd already
accomplished something
within the first ten minutes of waking.

And that made me feel good...
made me feel like I was off to a good start.

And then, at night,
I would take out my list again,
and see how many things I had been able to
throughout the course of the day.
Which often,
wasn't very much...
despite my stellar first-thing-in-the-morning

I still tend to do that.
Maybe not with an actual list anymore
(though sometimes I still make lists,
but more so to help me remember what I need to do
because I am forgetting more and more these days),
but I do tend to look at my day,
at the end of my day
and survey
what I have managed to
in and with
my day.

But not today.
Not right now.
Right now,
I am thinking about a different kind of accomplishment.

I am thinking about what I accomplish
with my words
and my actions
and my deeds
and my demands
and my stands
and my declarations
and my confrontations
and my victories
and with the rights I exercise
and insist upon
and lobby for
and claim

I am asking myself questions.
I am taking a moment to pause
and see the motive behind
I am wanting
to accomplish

surveying the fall-out
of what I am
with my words
my actions.

What did I accomplish with that 'look?'
What did I accomplish with that statement?
What did I accomplish with those words?
What did I accomplish with that action?

And was it worth it?

And why did I do it?

most importantly,
to me
right now
in this moment...

What else did I accomplish, while I was busy accomplishing for myself?

Did I hurt someone else? Or help with healing?
Did I make someone feel smaller? Less than? Not good enough? Or stronger?
Did I reject? Shut out? Or defend and protect?
Did I exclude? Offend? Or welcome someone in?
Did I make my point clear? And close my ears?
Did I stand up for righteousness? Or sentence someone with my judgement?

Did I push myself to be more, care more and be kind?
Or did I do it my way, and demand others do likewise?

Did I consider, forgive and show compassion?
Or did I only see my offense
and my rights?

Did I point out the obvious?
Focus on the fault?
Find the failure?
And 'rub their face in it?'
Or, did I put myself in their shoes
trade places for a moment
treat them how I'd like to be treated
love them
embrace them
smile upon them with grace?

Did I accomplish, just because I had a right to do it?
Did I accomplish, in the name of righteousness and justice,
what was really about something else entirely?
When it was about something within me...
like fear
or disappointment
or guilt
or anger
or revenge
or vindication
or a desire to control
or to make someone suffer
or to 'help' them get, what I believe they deserve?

I accomplish things every day.
I complete tasks.
I manage to get done what has to be done
But I accomplish
than simply what I do
or what I successfully check off my list.

I hurt people every day.
I wound.
I crush spirits.
I judge.
I envy.
I delight in downfalls.
I point out mistakes.
I am condescending.
I insist on my own way.
I declare myself right.
I condemn
I place myself, high above others.

I am starting to think,
I might be
and harder
on people

than God is.

Because He loves
and He knows
and He forgives
and He heals
and He provides
and He cares for
and He protects
and He defends
and He sacrificed
and He restores
and He redeems

He completes
the work in me,
that He began.

He knows my ups and downs
and failures
and faults
and sins
and mistakes
and dismal attempts at goodness.
He knows the worst I have done....
and the many more awful things I am capable of
and have still, yet to do...

and He
has a plan
for my life.
And it is good.

He is for me.
His love
His kindness
His grace
His mercy
His forgiveness
His peace
His joy
His blessing
(and His blessings)
are mine.

He holds my future.
And He delights over me.
He sings over me.
He lavishly loves
and forgives me.
And He is faithful.
Even when I am
and faithless...
He is faithful
to me.

Even when others would prefer He not be.

Even when others would like to see
the price I should pay for my failures.

Even when others would rather see ill accomplished in my life.

Even when others do not forgive me...
He does.

He forgives me,
and has grace, mercy, love and joy for my days ahead.
He will accomplish what He loves.
And He loves me.

I really wish I was more like Him,
and less
like my

I want my accomplishments
to reflect more
of Him...
and what
He is
accomplishing in me
and in my life.

I want to rest my head on the pillow at night
and my body at the end of my life,
on His accomplishments
in my life
through my life
and in the midst of my failures and faults.

I want His mission accomplished, in me.