Tidings of Comfort

An empty chair
The unworn apron
One less Christmas card
Cookie recipes unmade
The present that doesn't need to be purchased
A voice missed singing favorite Christmas songs
The silence meant to be filled with laughter
A gap in the family picture
The lack of a close hug and kiss on the cheek
One 'Merry Christmas' too few

Love
Hurt
Ache
Tears
Sadness
Sorrow
Emptiness
Grief
Need

Scents
Touches
Sights
Sounds
Tastes....
Remembered,
but unable to be mustered

This is for my friends who have known


loss


this year.

This is for those I love,
those I know well,
those I am getting to know,
those I have known in the past, but am distant from at this time of my life
those I do not know at all,
but with whom I share an experience...
a life-changing
heart-tearing
forever-altering

loss.

I have lost my mother.
You have lost yours.
You have lost your father.

And this
is your First.

Your First
December

Your First
put-out-the-decorations

Your First
batch of parties & celebrations

Your First
December 24th

Your First
December 25th

Your First
Day after Christmas

Your First
Put-away-the-decorations

without
them

Without her
Without him

This is your first time to push yourself through the sadness
Your first time to remember
and think
and relive
and call out
and wish
and long for
and ache for
them
for the way it was
for the Christmases of your childhood
or your years as a teenager
or your breaks at home from college
or your earliest days as an adult
or your first times as a parent

When they were there
When they were a part of the day
of the season
of the laughter
and stories
and music
and gifts
and meals
and traditions.

They were there
and now
they are
unreachable

I know
I know, oh too well
how it feels...
surreal
slightly "off"
somewhat empty.

I know how the
heavy-holiday-heart
from being without them
him
her
...feels

Yes, there are joys
there are moments
there are delights
there are traditions in place
traditions begun
efforts made to
live, love and laugh during these days.

But,
if you are like me
if you love deeply
if you feel openly
(and even if you don't)
there is a Blanket you'd love
to wrap yourself in
to warm
and comfort
and heal
your heart.
That Blanket is
them
him
her

Oh what I would give to see her smile one more time
to watch her, watch my children open their gifts this year.
What I would give to set a place for her at my table
and serve her, her Sweet Potato Casserole and Tollhouse cookies.
What I would give to spoil her
and buy her a gift from my heart.
Her smile of fondness, would warm me.
Blanket me.

What I would give to hear her sing, "Joy to the World."
Completing every verse by heart.
In harmony.
Her favorite carol.
What I would give to hear her sing it just one more time.
Her voice would soothe me.
Blanket me.

There was a time,
the first two or three Christmases,
When I could open a box of her decorations
and still smell her on them.
I would sit on the floor,
ease open the flaps on the cardboard box,
lean in
and breathe
her
in.
And she would comfort me.
Blanket me.

This
is my
14th
Christmas
without
her

And the ache is still there
for
her
I still long for that voice
that scent
that smile
that Blanket.

Not with the same overwhelming,
pressing down,
gasping-for-breath
intensity
of the first year
or the second year
or even three years ago
but it still rests on my heart

And
because I know this is your first year
without
them
him
her,
I feel it fresh
for you.

I am sad with you, my friend
I hurt for you
and feel a tenderness
and rawness
a vulnerability
for you
and your
loss

I wish I could give you a blanket.
I wish there were a way,
I could sit with you
pour you something warm to drink,
make your favorite childhood dinner
tell you the stories he used to tell you
encourage you the way she was able
listen to you as only they could
hold your hand in mine
smile at you they way they would
and tell you all the wonderful things
about YOU
they loved the most...
as
you
are
remembering
them
this season.

This...
This is the best I can do.
I can only offer this:
comfort
and understanding
and hope
and prayers for light, and love and peace
to fill your heart
with delight
and memories
of the days
years
and holidays
from times past.

You are loved
You are remembered
Your loss from this year has not been forgotten
The world has moved on.
Activities have resumed.
Life has continued.
But I remember.
I remember that you have lost.
What you have lost.
Who you have lost.
You are missing them.
You are not exactly the same person you were this time last year.
You are without her
You are without him

But,
You are
loved.

Merry Christmas.
Merry, Hopeful, First Christmas Like This.

I love you,
Becky