Miss Understood

I've taken two days out of my
not-so-busy-life
to ponder
think
and
remember.

And,
I find myself reflecting
on past hurts
decisions
choices
mistakes
and
aches
in my life.

Some of which
were inflicted by others
many of which were
inflicted by
me.

And I am overwhelmed.
I am aware.
So
very
aware
that this life is filled
to overflowing
with
hurt
and pain
and sorrow
and
often,
secret
sadness.

We bear
our own set
of sorrows
which taunt us as night
whisper words of doubt
fill our heads with worry
flood our hearts with anger
and scream from beneath the pores
of our skin for vindication
or validation
or relief
or justice
or

forgiveness.



Life is filled with hurts
and hardness
and harshness

and mine,
for the past two days
has been filled
with
hindsight.

There are so many things I would change about my life
my decisions
my choices
my heart
me...
if given the opportunity.


If given the opportunity,

I would say 'no' when I said 'yes.'

I would say 'I am so very sorry'
and
'I have been so very wrong'
when I said nothing.

I would ask for help
rather than turn a cold shoulder

I would confess
rather than keep secrets

I would admit rather than cover-up

I would be open and vulnerable
about my deepest needs
and

I would fall apart weeping...
rather than hold in feelings of
rejection
disappointment
disillusionment
and
anger.

I would pretend less
and
confront
more.

I would confront more of who I really am.
I would confront more of my fears

and
I would accept love
better.

I would accept the love of others
better.

I would accept being loved
rather than
demand
I be loved
a certain way.

I would accept others
better.

And
I would think about
others
more
than I demanded they think of me.

I would
ultimately
seek
to
understand

rather than indulge
my own need to be understood.


And
in all of my reflecting
pondering
considering
and facing,
I have also remembered
what I have learned
and what I know
now
and
because of
how I have lived my life
thus
far.

I know...
truly
really
deeply
know,
in the midst
of all the hurts and sorrows
aches and shattered dreams
low moments
and haunting memories
gross oversights
grandest failures
and secret sadnesses

I know
His
beautiful
enveloping
soothing
healing
freeing--

Un-merited
Un-earned
Un-deserved
and
Un-believable

Forgiveness
Grace
and
Mercy.

I am loved.
I am understood.
I am known.
I am forgiven.

I have lived in the valley.

I have dwelled in the place where
Tears mingle with Relief
Ache blends into Comfort
Grief is coated with Grace
Failure is blanketed by Mercy
and
Healing
is fed
by

Forgiveness.