of my favorite day
during my favorite month.
December 24th, 11:00pm-12:00am
Here I sit.
Here is what I am thinking...
For this hour each year, I feel as close to holiness and perfection as is possible. I do not personally feel that holiness or perfection, but I feel it in the worlds around me. The Natural world. The Spiritual world. The two worlds in which I live, are the closest they can come to merging as one. For this hour, every year, each moment is filled with expectation and warmth. The commercial part is finished. The shopping is done. There are sometimes, still tasks to be done (though I do all I can to be finished before 11 o'clock each year), but for the most part, this is the sacred opportunity to stop, sit, listen and look at the sparkle and glow of what is going on around me..and take in the magic, the wonder, the promise and the hope that holds the worlds in stillness and silence. This is when I feel my peace. This is when I feel stirred.
I pulled it all together this year.
I am pleased
And that would have been enough.
This Christmas already stood out as a victory compared to the one last year.
This Christmas had already shaped up to be one of my personal (adult) bests.
There is more.
There is always more.
And I didn't see it coming.
You'd think, after having the same hope
Praying the same prayer.
Believing for the same miracle...
For at least ten years,
I'd have been more expectant.
More alert and ready.
I have needed a circumstantial mountain moved in my life
A mountain with a steep emotional incline.
A sorrow-capped mountain I've been trying to scale for years.
Today, GOD moved it.
Not because of my faith.
Not because of my efforts.
Simply because of His goodness.
And truth be told, not a single circumstance was affected.
Nothing, in plain sight, shifted.
Nothing is any different today, than yesterday.
Except for me.
God changed me.
God opened my eyes.
Changed my heart.
And moved the mountain in ME
that was blocking my vision of Him.
He shifted my focus. My direction. My course.
He has changed me.
And the mountain is behind me.
Over to the side somewhere.
No longer looming ahead of me,
Casting a shadow over everything else in my path.
I am as surprised at His moving me,
as I am shocked that I didn't see it coming.
How could I pray for so long,
ask for freedom,
believe He could rescue me...
and then stand amazed when He actually did it?
Did I pray with so little faith, that I didn't look for His answer?
Did I lose hope so quickly that I prayed only words to Him, without confidence that He could hear me?
At once I feel sadness that I didn't see Him moving.
Then I feel embarrassment that I was so short-sighted in my expectations of His faithfulness.
Then I feel comfort
that He has delivered me, because of Himself.
Because of who He is.
Because of His character
and His nature
and His love.
Much like He sent Himself...
in the flesh
a man among men,
a baby in the midst of His children
To a people who had been told He would come and deliver,
To those who had trusted and prayed for His coming.
To a waiting, expectant, needy people...
Who didn't see Him coming.
Who had no room for them in their homes or inns when He arrived.
Jesus made me a shepherd today.
He blew open the sky,
while I was tending my flock,
consumed with the hustle and bustle of family, marriage and work.
I was given Good News.
I was told to not be afraid.
I was blessed again, with a Savior.
God is with me.
He has come.
And that has changed everything.
That has changed me.
He has changed me.
Merry, merry Christmas.