The Remembering Place

I graduated from college in May of '92

My mother was diagnosed with cancer later the same year

For her next Mother's Day,

I bought a simple notebook and began making a list...

a stream-of-consciousness-of-sorts

one-liners and simple sentences or single words

detailing things I was thankful for,

things I remembered from 22 years

things she had done for me, given to me

loved me through and taught me.

It was with that notebook,

that I started writing, the way I now journal and blog,

as a list

rather than paragraphs

in small thoughts and

short phrases

So

Here it is

almost 13 years since I lost her

and the list of things I have remembered,

in the time I have been without her,

could

fill

volumes

The things I have missed about her,

and

the moments when I have

needed her

and longed for her company

advice

support

wisdom

comfort

understanding

friendship

and love

cannot even be itemized or listed.

The number would be too great.

But, alas

I am in my

Remembering Place.

I sit here

in this Place,

around this time,

each year,

leading up to The Day,

the mark on the calendar

when she left here

and went There.

Sometimes I am sad

Sometimes it is hard

Very Hard

I cry a lot

A Lot

But I am not depressed

I am not hopeless

I am not in a pit of despair

or stuck in the Remembering Place

I just really, really, really

love my mother

and miss her.

Especially this week.

Every Year.

So

Here is a short list of things I am missing today

Her voice

Her laugh

Her teeth

Her smile

The paper-thin, freckled and wrinkled skin on her hands

Her salt-and-pepper hair

Her straw purses and cheap shoes

Her wind-suits and elastic-waist pants

Her red lipstick and black mascara

The slope of her shoulders and roundness of her belly

(and the way that same belly shook when she laughed really hard)

The way she hung on every word I said

The way her eyes sparkled when she looked at me

The way she loved to play board games

Her nails tapping on the side of her tea cup while she was thinking

The cheese toast she ate for breakfast

Her scent. Oh.I.Miss.The.Way.She.Smelled.

Her box of coupons for grocery shopping

I miss sitting next to her at church and listening to her sing

I miss her calling to tell me about Regis and Kathy Lee

I miss watching her read the paper every day

I miss watching her eat popcorn

I miss watching Murder, She Wrote together in the den

I miss having a mother.

I miss having someone love my children, the way I know she would

I miss getting to introduce her to my children

I miss that she never got to admire my son's character

or witness Tatum's compassion

or revel in the news that she has twin grandbabies.

I miss my kids getting little treats in the mail from her.

I miss her validation.

Her admiration of me.

I miss her words and hugs and kisses.

I miss---

that no matter

how great

or how bad

how hard

or how amazing

Any Day

Any Event

Any Moment

Any Success

or Any Failure

might be...

I am unable to share it with her

I am unable to relive it with her

That Is What I Miss The Most

I miss getting to share who I am

who I have become

who I am hoping to one day be...

with her

when she is so utterly and completely

involved with why I am any of those things

That Is What I Miss The Most

I miss getting to see her in her 60s, 70s and 80s

I miss seeing how she would have grown and become

more of who she already was

and how we would have laughed and cried together

about

Everything

That Is What I Miss The Most

But

I

know,

I am loved

I am known

I am understood

and I am secure.

Because she is a part of everything I do

and everything I am

because I was

Mothered

by her.

Just Thinking Out Loud Here...

What does every CEO, President, Olympian, Oscar winner, Doctor, or any other 'successful' position have in common? An utter LACK of cynicism. "Real success cannot be achieved in the presence of cynicism... A cynic will always put their finger on the disease before they put it on health. It's the easy way to go."

I got this quote from my brother, Scott--who heard it from a friend.

It was so impacting

I had to post it here

Would love to leave it up for a month

So completely and utterly

TRUE

Really

So, so true

Now, here is what I think:

Cynicism is crippling.

It can halt you in your tracks

and can keep you from

reaching out to accomplish,

pursuing a dream,

believing in love,

going for that promotion,

putting yourself on the line,

taking a risk,

having faith to believe,

taking the plunge,

making a commitment,

letting down your guard,

opening up,

living life fully,

doing the right thing,

pushing for change,

standing up for justice,

seeing the possibilities,

and just about

anything

else!

OK

and here is more of what I think...

The only real cure for cynicism

is forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

The only way to cure cynicism

is to forgive

whoever caused

the hurt,

the broken-ness

the disappointment

the betrayal

the let-down...

Whoever, or even whatever

broke your heart

smashed your hopes

crushed your dreams

hurt you

snubbed you

embarrassed you

neglected you

damaged you

gave you up

gave you away

gave up on you

let you go

didn't stop you

didn't want you

didn't believe in you

didn't trust you

didn't notice you

didn't help you

didn't return the favor

didn't follow through

didn't return your love

didn't answer your questions

didn't give you a chance

judged you

left you

left you out

singled you out

sold-you-out

broke their promise

broke your trust

failed you

turned on you

over-looked you

stood in your way

kept you in the dark

took you for granted

took advantage of you

took your place

stole from you

tricked you

avoided you

mocked you

made fun of you

meddled in your life

turned others against you

blamed you

lied about you

cheated on you

or did

something

else.

The only way out

(if you want out)

is to

forgive them.

him.

her.

yourself.

And then,

I guess

after the forgiveness part,

the only other thing left to do,

is let go of the fear

that it's all going to happen

again.

And again.

But,

here's the thing,

if it does,

you can always forgive again.

And

I'm sure

I make it all sound too simplistic.

I'm so naive.

I'm far too optimistic

about all of this.

(especially, if you're cynical)

Doppel What?

So, the trend on Facebook (lately), is to post a picture of THE celebrity to whom you are most often compared.

REALLY?

Are there many of us who are actually compared to celebrities, on a consistent basis?

I could take this exercise in MANY directions...
There are a couple I've been compared to over the years.
A few, I WISH someone would tell me I resemble.

But, even when I put a dozen pictures into one of those computer-generated-read-your-face websites, the images of look-alikes they spit out, leave me baffled:
Portia De Rossi
AND
Katherine Heigl?
Really?
Seriously?
I am tempted to put a picture of Raquel Welch, Lynda Carter or Catherine Zeta-Jones into the same computer program,
to see THEIR look alikes.
Wish they'd spit out a picture of ME as their results.
Wonder how that would make them FEEL?

I'm not about to get hung up on this.
This isn't an essay about being happy with who you are,
looking in the mirror and liking yourself more,
or any of that crap we're trying to infuse our daughters with,
in an attempt to create self-esteem and positive body images.

Frankly, I don't even know what this is about.
I think it's about the fact that
(gasp)
I'm beginning to consider having some "work" done.

(And I'm not talking about the long-overdue tummy tuck I dream about at night)

I NEED to get some work done.

And I should just get on with it.

I need Michelle Obama's arms.

I need to develop those biceps.

Summer is approaching, as is swim suit season.

I need Lynda Carter's teeth.

Those white, white teeth.

Only a package of Crest Strips away.

I need better eyebrows.

Maybe Salma Hayek's.

A magnifying mirror, tweezers and a steady hand...are all it would take.

I need Mother Teresa's selflessness

and

Angelina Jolie's always-room-for-one-more, open hands

and

Madonna's dedication to re-inventing herself every five years

and

Maya Angelou's way with words

and

Audrey Hepburn's elegance

and

Mary J Blige's swagger

(as well as the name of her tattoo artist)

and

my mother's

devotion

grace

wisdom

smile

and

scent.

Yes.

I need to have some "work" done.

And you know what?

Every bit of it,

is possible.

I CAN:

do

have

or become

any or all

of these things.

Because honestly, there is nothing...

Nothing...

NOTHING

(except

ME

and my tendencies to

procrastinate,

ponder and

justify,

when I should get up and do something

or change something),

preventing

Any

or

All

of those things, traits, characteristics or strengths

from becoming part of the woman I am.

I am

after all,

a woman.

And I love being a woman.

Well,

other than my mother's smile

and scent.

Those will never be duplicated,

and will be missed...

always.

My Top 70 Songs of 2009 (sort of)

I was tortured this afternoon.
Forced to listen to the repeat broadcast of

Radio Disney's Top 50 Songs of 2009.
I love my daughters,
But can only take so much of the Jonas Brothers,
Before wanting to throw open my door,
fling myself out of the car

and down an embankment

on the side of the road.

But it got me thinking.
About my music.
2009 was my best year, musically, in ages.
Best concerts.
Best discoveries.
Best, best, best.

Decided to post my own list of Top Songs...of sorts.
You see,
Mike bought me a new computer the last week of December in 2008
(next to my house, it is my all-time favorite THING in my life).
With it, my iTunes library was reset.
Which means, all my play counts, for ALL my music, were reset to 0.
I love this.
I have an almost-perfectly-accurate count of exactly what I have listened to for the past 12 months.
And how often I've listened to it.
Almost perfect, because the tunes I listen to on CD in the car, aren't included in the count...
But close enough, right?

So here it is.
But I must explain...
I decided to list each artist--- ONLY ONCE
Which means,
even if I have listened to hundreds of songs by

Mary J Blige, U2, Alicia Keys or Lyle Lovett,
ONLY THE ONE SONG I LISTENED TO THE MOST BY THEM,
made it on to the list I'm posting here.
Otherwise, I would only have 10-12 artists, filling the top 100 slots.

This means, a lot of my favorite songs didn't make the list.

A lot.

But I think the variety of music is more interesting.

So my list isn't 100 songs long.
It's more like 70 artists long.
And, I'll admit right here,
Not EVERYONE on the list is REALLY an artist.
Some of these folks are purely entertainers.
And there is a big difference between the two.
Each has a place in my life.

I love good music
I love good writing
I love weepers
I love sad songs
Didn't used to...
Used to only listen to happy songs
Light songs.
Also, used to listen to a lot of pop (I know--crap).
But now there is more to my music than before.
And as a result, more to me.
So, there is still a good bit of pop on my list
But some other really good stuff.
Thanks to the influence of friends and some personal discoveries.

Comments are welcome.
Criticisms aren't.
Add some suggestions for me to entertain in 2010.
I'd appreciate the help!

1. Big Girls Are Best - U2
2. Lovesick - Bob Dylan
3. Empty Baseball Park - Whiskeytown
4. Where the Stars Go Blue - The Coors
5. I'm the Man Who Loves You - Wilco
6. Tell You Something - Alicia Keys
7. Grown Woman - Mary J Blige
8. Maybe - Ingrid Michaelson
9. Big Moon - John Doe
10. Falling into You - Kasey Chambers
11. Make You Feel My Love - Adele
12. When You Find Me - Joshua Radin
13. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie
14. Just the Morning - Lyle Lovett
15. One Moment More - Mindy Smith
16. River - Sarah MaLachlan
17. Breathe - Maria McKee
18. Poughkeepsie - Over the Rhine
19. Wheel - John Mayer
20. You and Me - Rosie Thomas
21. Love Story - Taylor Swift
22. Little Less Conversation - Elvis
23. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
24. Did You See the Moon Tonight - A Girl Called Eddy
25. Love Hurts - Incubus
26. Nobody - Paul Simon
27. Wheels - Lone Justice
28. When It Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin
29. Clocks - Coldplay
30. Kiss - Prince
31. Outskirts of Blue - The Greencards
32. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
33. I Need You - Lee Ann Womak
34. You Make My Heart Beat Too Fast - Julie Miller
35. Someday - Rob Thomas
36. Feel Like I Love You - The Hiders
37. Droplets - Colbie Caillat
38. Not Forgotten You - Kelly Willis
39. Butterfly - Jason Mraz
40. I Celebrate the Day - Reliant K
41. All I Want - Violent Femmes
42. The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
43. Melt Your Heart - Jenny Lewis
44. Wish I Could Forget - The Weepies
45. Turn Me On - Norah Jones
46. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z
47. Somewhere Out There - Steve Earle
48. Somehow, Someday - Ryan Adams
49. Crazy Girl - Hail the Size
50. Periodically Double or Triple - Yo La Tengo
51. Changing My Mind - Bob Schneider
52. I Thought I Saw Your Face Today - She & Him
53. Smash Into You - Beyonce
54. Pretty Pathetic - Smoking Popes
55. Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
56. Resistance - Muse
57. Ten Thousand Words - The Avett Brothers
58. Seeing Stars - Jack Ingram
59. Somewhere Down the Road - Feist
60. Rave On - M. Ward
61. Rain - Creed
62. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths
63. Let's Be Friends - Bruce Springsteen
64. Love Addict - Family Force 5
65. Low - Flo Rida
66. Goodbye - Hootie & The Blowfish
67. If I Die Sudden - John Mellencamp
68. Sweet Thing - Keith Urban
69. She is Love - Parachute
70. Fire Burning - Sean Kingston