Tidings of Comfort

An empty chair
The unworn apron
One less Christmas card
Cookie recipes unmade
The present that doesn't need to be purchased
A voice missed singing favorite Christmas songs
The silence meant to be filled with laughter
A gap in the family picture
The lack of a close hug and kiss on the cheek
One 'Merry Christmas' too few

Love
Hurt
Ache
Tears
Sadness
Sorrow
Emptiness
Grief
Need

Scents
Touches
Sights
Sounds
Tastes....
Remembered,
but unable to be mustered

This is for my friends who have known


loss


this year.

This is for those I love,
those I know well,
those I am getting to know,
those I have known in the past, but am distant from at this time of my life
those I do not know at all,
but with whom I share an experience...
a life-changing
heart-tearing
forever-altering

loss.

I have lost my mother.
You have lost yours.
You have lost your father.

And this
is your First.

Your First
December

Your First
put-out-the-decorations

Your First
batch of parties & celebrations

Your First
December 24th

Your First
December 25th

Your First
Day after Christmas

Your First
Put-away-the-decorations

without
them

Without her
Without him

This is your first time to push yourself through the sadness
Your first time to remember
and think
and relive
and call out
and wish
and long for
and ache for
them
for the way it was
for the Christmases of your childhood
or your years as a teenager
or your breaks at home from college
or your earliest days as an adult
or your first times as a parent

When they were there
When they were a part of the day
of the season
of the laughter
and stories
and music
and gifts
and meals
and traditions.

They were there
and now
they are
unreachable

I know
I know, oh too well
how it feels...
surreal
slightly "off"
somewhat empty.

I know how the
heavy-holiday-heart
from being without them
him
her
...feels

Yes, there are joys
there are moments
there are delights
there are traditions in place
traditions begun
efforts made to
live, love and laugh during these days.

But,
if you are like me
if you love deeply
if you feel openly
(and even if you don't)
there is a Blanket you'd love
to wrap yourself in
to warm
and comfort
and heal
your heart.
That Blanket is
them
him
her

Oh what I would give to see her smile one more time
to watch her, watch my children open their gifts this year.
What I would give to set a place for her at my table
and serve her, her Sweet Potato Casserole and Tollhouse cookies.
What I would give to spoil her
and buy her a gift from my heart.
Her smile of fondness, would warm me.
Blanket me.

What I would give to hear her sing, "Joy to the World."
Completing every verse by heart.
In harmony.
Her favorite carol.
What I would give to hear her sing it just one more time.
Her voice would soothe me.
Blanket me.

There was a time,
the first two or three Christmases,
When I could open a box of her decorations
and still smell her on them.
I would sit on the floor,
ease open the flaps on the cardboard box,
lean in
and breathe
her
in.
And she would comfort me.
Blanket me.

This
is my
14th
Christmas
without
her

And the ache is still there
for
her
I still long for that voice
that scent
that smile
that Blanket.

Not with the same overwhelming,
pressing down,
gasping-for-breath
intensity
of the first year
or the second year
or even three years ago
but it still rests on my heart

And
because I know this is your first year
without
them
him
her,
I feel it fresh
for you.

I am sad with you, my friend
I hurt for you
and feel a tenderness
and rawness
a vulnerability
for you
and your
loss

I wish I could give you a blanket.
I wish there were a way,
I could sit with you
pour you something warm to drink,
make your favorite childhood dinner
tell you the stories he used to tell you
encourage you the way she was able
listen to you as only they could
hold your hand in mine
smile at you they way they would
and tell you all the wonderful things
about YOU
they loved the most...
as
you
are
remembering
them
this season.

This...
This is the best I can do.
I can only offer this:
comfort
and understanding
and hope
and prayers for light, and love and peace
to fill your heart
with delight
and memories
of the days
years
and holidays
from times past.

You are loved
You are remembered
Your loss from this year has not been forgotten
The world has moved on.
Activities have resumed.
Life has continued.
But I remember.
I remember that you have lost.
What you have lost.
Who you have lost.
You are missing them.
You are not exactly the same person you were this time last year.
You are without her
You are without him

But,
You are
loved.

Merry Christmas.
Merry, Hopeful, First Christmas Like This.

I love you,
Becky

100 of the Greatest Results of Losing 100 lbs.

(Note: I have been sitting on this post for MONTHS. Honestly...months. I wrote it soooo long ago {and had it rattling around in my head for months before that}, but shied away from posting it. I wanted to wait until I felt safe enough to let the world "in" on my life....my struggle...my success. I lost the 100, a while back. I've kept it off. I'm opening up. And letting it out. Reminding myself, and revealing more of the layers of me. The Authentic, Filled-With-Flaws-But-Changing-and Growing....Me.)

100. Being able to post before and after pics (NEXT TIME)

99. Not having to hide behind other people when cameras are flashing

98. Having one chin

97. No longer having to buy WIDE shoes (because my feet went down a size and width)

96. Having a neck

95. Wearing belts

94. Discovering it's easy to climb a flight of stairs without gasping

93. Double-takes in the mirror because I don't recognize myself

92. Trying on smaller and smaller (and smaller) sizes

91. Looking forward to bathing suit shopping

90. Surprising friends (and non-friends) who haven't seen me in a long time

89. Getting on the scale at the doctor's office, and being happy

88. Riding a roller coaster, and listening to the harness go: click, click, click, click, click... (instead of hoping it catches after ONE click)

87. Having normal sized eyes in my head, instead of squinty ones

86. My children saying I'm pretty

85. Liking what I see in the mirror

84. Having a selection of stores for shopping

83. Posing for pictures with my old jeans, like they do on TV

82. Recognizing MY problems are of MY own making

81. Feeling like I can do ANYTHING

80. Inspiring others

79. Off-the-charts confidence

78. Discovering my husband, re-discovering ME!

77. No longer having migraines

76. Being able to walk without my thighs rubbing together

75. Knowing I look better at 40, than I did at 30...and 20...and 15...

74. Wanting to meet new people, rather than hiding

73. Finding creative ways to reward myself for every 10 pounds I lost

73. Filling my closet with color, rather than always wearing black

72. Knowing I am FINALLY, on the outside, who I've always been, on the inside

70. Admitting it is a CHOICE to live as a victim and resist change

69. Going strapless

68. Dropping 8 sizes

67. ENERGY

66. Having a husband who can't keep his hands off me

65. My children being able to completely wrap their arms around my waist and hold on to their own elbows

64. Sitting comfortably in movie theatre seats

63. Going down two ring sizes

62. Learning I can refuse to give up, sit back or wallow in SELF

60. Being proud of myself

59. Waking up NOT SORE in the morning

58. Not sweating (as much!)

57. Celebrating it as a permanent change, because I took 18 months to do it

59. Embracing and accepting that I really can re-start my life whenever I choose

58. Finding mental, emotional and physical strength I never knew I had

57. Feeling and being emotionally free and open

56. Knowing my husband is proud of me

55. Finding supportive friends in new places

54. Letting people in on my struggles, rather than shutting them out

53. Clear skin

54. Having a better body than ever before in my life

53. Watching The Biggest Loser and knowing I did it, without a trainer, chef, surgery or diet

52. Watching The Biggest Loser and NOT thinking, "One Day I will do that..."

51. Getting a part-time job so I can buy new clothes

50. Giving my clothes away when they get too big

49. Liking Every Single Item in my closet

48. Dressing like a woman instead of a mom

47. Having a waist

46. Discovering my legs are a lot better than I thought

45. Realizing how much my weight, was weighing me down emotionally

44. Understanding my weight had become a suit of armor I used to protect myself

43. Re-learning how to shop and dress for my body-type

42. Finding out I ACTUALLY have a body type

41. Having a man ask for my phone number at the grocery store

40 Having a stranger buy me a dozen roses at another grocery store

39. Seeing a surprised look from people when they find out I have four kids (as they give me the "once-over" from head to toe)

38. Celebrating Every Single Day of My Life, Because I Took It Back, and Became ME, Again!

37. Shopping at Victoria's Secret

36. Strutting around in things from Victoria's Secret

35. Rediscovering my love of music...and dancing

34. Not being fat

33. Getting clothes for Christmas instead of "stuff"

32. Putting my 11 year-old son on my back and walking around for ten minutes...to remind me I carried THAT much extra weight for a decade

31. Drinking LESS wine, and it having a stronger effect (who am I kidding, I don't drink any less than before)

30. Eating cheesecake, donuts, nachos and Reese's without fear that I'm going to gain it all back if I treat myself, every now and then.

29. Decreasing my risk of diabetes

28. Knowing I've set a good example for my daughters by taking responsibility for, and control of, my health

27. Knowing my children are not embarrassed by my size (now I can embarrass them in other ways)

26. Feeling beautiful

25. Believing this is just the beginning of new things in my life

24. Watching 90% less TV (my favorite snacking time), and it not bothering me one bit

23. Buying fashion magazines and attempting what I see

22. Not feeling jealous or envious of women who managed to lose their pregnancy weight and look great as moms

21. Connecting with the woman in me and becoming a better wife and mother, because of it

20. Not having to unbutton my pants after eating out

19. Realizing mayo doesn't really change the flavor of a great burger, so I can leave it off

18. Finding myself getting cold on a chilly night and needing to wear socks to bed.

17. Choosing to NEVER look SCHLUMPY again, because I did that for 10 years and looked like crap most of the time

16. Wearing my hair pulled back, and liking my face

15. Wearing my hair straight because I don't have to hide behind big hair

14. Growing my hair past my shoulders because I like how it looks on my smaller face

13. Climbing on top of the house to hang Christmas lights without being afraid I'll step through the roof

12. Looking FORWARD to being 45 and 50 and 55 and so on...because Everything is Different now. I am different...now.

11. Not having to come up with "funny" one liners about my size and weight--getting to think of one-liners that are actually FUNNY and not self-deprecating

AND THE TOP 10 GREATEST RESULTS OF LOSING 100 POUNDS:

10. Feeling TALL (for the first time), rather than BIG-BONED

9. Getting to post this:

I currently weigh

30 pounds less than on my wedding day

35 pounds less than when I graduated from college

20 pounds less than I did on the day a boyfriend told me he might be more attracted to me if I'd lose ten pounds (stupid that I remember this almost 20 years later...but sometimes words hurt and linger long after break-ups.)

(By the way, I forgive you...I realize you were young then and didn't know better--right?)

and

12 pounds less than when I graduated from high school.

I am not skinny, nor do I want to be,

but I do wear the same size jeans

I wore when I was 13,

in the 8th grade

8. Knowing my husband weighs a WHOLE lot more than me...NOW

7. Having collar-bones

6. Wearing VERY high heels and boots, because in them, I look taller, thinner and sexier...and my feet don't hurt because there are 100 fewer pounds bearing down on them.

5. Getting a tattoo to commemorate, mark and celebrate the whole experience of meeting my goals and changing my life.

4. Being surprised by an amazing, powerful love for myself and from others I never knew before.

3. Gaining the courage to post this list--letting everyone know what I've accomplished, because the shame I felt about NEEDING to lose 100 pounds, is now a part of my PAST, my HISTORY, my STORY, and it does not define ME, my PRESENT or my FUTURE.

2. Recognizing that overcoming the greatest struggle and area of personal disappointment/failure I have felt in my entire life, is worth shouting, singing, dancing and blogging about--even if it means people who didn't know it, find out I used to be really fat.

1. Knowing that no matter what,

completely regardless of the 100 pounds,

even if I hadn't lost the weight,

even if I needed to lose 200 or 600 pounds,

and never

even tried

to lose it,

God loves me

and gave His Son to, and for me

to make me right with Him.

Knowing that God looks at my heart,

and

loves me

because of Who HE is,

and

finds me to be pleasing because of Jesus.

Knowing that He knows

and

loves me...

and

is

very

fond

of me.

No matter what.

Resting in the assurance,

confidence

and truth

that my body is just a shell, anyway

A house-of-sorts, for my soul.

A temporary place where my spirit and His, reside.

For now...

Until one day,

when I am greeted

face to face

with open arms

by Him...

Weightless

Healthy

Flawless

and

Whole

for all eternity

That is worth more than 100 Million pounds of gold.

The Remembering Place

I graduated from college in May of '92

My mother was diagnosed with cancer later the same year

For her next Mother's Day,

I bought a simple notebook and began making a list...

a stream-of-consciousness-of-sorts

one-liners and simple sentences or single words

detailing things I was thankful for,

things I remembered from 22 years

things she had done for me, given to me

loved me through and taught me.

It was with that notebook,

that I started writing, the way I now journal and blog,

as a list

rather than paragraphs

in small thoughts and

short phrases

So

Here it is

almost 13 years since I lost her

and the list of things I have remembered,

in the time I have been without her,

could

fill

volumes

The things I have missed about her,

and

the moments when I have

needed her

and longed for her company

advice

support

wisdom

comfort

understanding

friendship

and love

cannot even be itemized or listed.

The number would be too great.

But, alas

I am in my

Remembering Place.

I sit here

in this Place,

around this time,

each year,

leading up to The Day,

the mark on the calendar

when she left here

and went There.

Sometimes I am sad

Sometimes it is hard

Very Hard

I cry a lot

A Lot

But I am not depressed

I am not hopeless

I am not in a pit of despair

or stuck in the Remembering Place

I just really, really, really

love my mother

and miss her.

Especially this week.

Every Year.

So

Here is a short list of things I am missing today

Her voice

Her laugh

Her teeth

Her smile

The paper-thin, freckled and wrinkled skin on her hands

Her salt-and-pepper hair

Her straw purses and cheap shoes

Her wind-suits and elastic-waist pants

Her red lipstick and black mascara

The slope of her shoulders and roundness of her belly

(and the way that same belly shook when she laughed really hard)

The way she hung on every word I said

The way her eyes sparkled when she looked at me

The way she loved to play board games

Her nails tapping on the side of her tea cup while she was thinking

The cheese toast she ate for breakfast

Her scent. Oh.I.Miss.The.Way.She.Smelled.

Her box of coupons for grocery shopping

I miss sitting next to her at church and listening to her sing

I miss her calling to tell me about Regis and Kathy Lee

I miss watching her read the paper every day

I miss watching her eat popcorn

I miss watching Murder, She Wrote together in the den

I miss having a mother.

I miss having someone love my children, the way I know she would

I miss getting to introduce her to my children

I miss that she never got to admire my son's character

or witness Tatum's compassion

or revel in the news that she has twin grandbabies.

I miss my kids getting little treats in the mail from her.

I miss her validation.

Her admiration of me.

I miss her words and hugs and kisses.

I miss---

that no matter

how great

or how bad

how hard

or how amazing

Any Day

Any Event

Any Moment

Any Success

or Any Failure

might be...

I am unable to share it with her

I am unable to relive it with her

That Is What I Miss The Most

I miss getting to share who I am

who I have become

who I am hoping to one day be...

with her

when she is so utterly and completely

involved with why I am any of those things

That Is What I Miss The Most

I miss getting to see her in her 60s, 70s and 80s

I miss seeing how she would have grown and become

more of who she already was

and how we would have laughed and cried together

about

Everything

That Is What I Miss The Most

But

I

know,

I am loved

I am known

I am understood

and I am secure.

Because she is a part of everything I do

and everything I am

because I was

Mothered

by her.

Room With a View...of My Clothes

Next to my family, the greatest love of my life,

is my house.

I really love my house.

I love

EVERYTHING

about it.

Really.

Within my house,

there are spaces and places I love on an even deeper level...

The Porch.

I could spend a day blogging about my porch.

There is much to say about The Porch.

What happens on The Porch, stays on The Porch

Confessions among comrades.

Truth-sharing, Soul-baring moments.

The Porch has magical powers.

The Porch is my all-time favorite space.

My Office

A long, narrow, pear-green, black and white, space

where I write, plan, create and read.

My office is my hiding place.

My sanctuary.

Children are not allowed to cross the threshold without an invitation.

They don't even ask.

The door is almost always closed.

It is a clean, personal, reflective, feminine space...all for me.

All mine.

I love this space, but don't spend as much time here as I'd like.

While it makes sense for women to list kitchens as a favorite space,

I will not.

For some, the Master Bedroom or Bath deserve special mention,

but not in my home.

I love My Personal Boutique.

My Dressing Room.

My Closet.

I read an article a few years ago, about organizing a closet, to create a store-of-sorts, where everything is perfectly suited and perfectly fitted for one specific customer. A shop, where everything lining the walls is just the right size, color and style for one person. Where upon entering, the client instantly sees an ideal assortment of garments and accessories designed with HER in mind. I LOVED this idea and jumped at the chance to create it in my home.

I replaced plastic and wire hangers (thumbs-up to Joan Crawford), with wooden ones.

Hung everything facing in the same direction.

Grouped clothes into families (The Pants & The Skirts are neighbors to The Dresses).

Organized each family even further, by color: reds, then oranges and yellows, etc.

Got rid of the too-old, wrong-sized, ill-fitting, nothing-to-go-with, cheap purchases of the past.

Lined my shoes along the wall, organized my accessories and...

Voila!!!

My closet improved 100%.

I decided to only fill my closet with things I absolutely loved.

To never again get into the trap of buying things just because they were on sale or in my size.

Vowed to resist purchasing items close enough to what I wanted.

Renounced my habit of getting things almost the right size.

Determined to buy less black, and add more color.

Committed to changing my style, spending-patterns and mindsets...

All in pursuit of a Fabulous Closet.

So, now I have a Boutique.

I shop there every morning.

I hang out there some in the afternoon.

It isn't celebrity-sized, or filled with expensive things.

I bet I have 1/3 the normal amount of clothing for women my age.

REALLY.

I have a few nice things.

Killer shoes and boots.

Pricey purses I've managed to collect over the years.

A couple of great scarves, belts and hats.

Yummy sweaters, funky tops and classic jeans.

I love EVERY item I own.

When I stop loving something, I give it away.

So someone else can love it.

My jewelry is an artistic display.

Necklaces, earrings and bracelets hang from a cork-board on one wall.

I keep a cutesy chair in one corner and two mirrors in other spots.

A retro portrait of a 1920s Flapper, putting on red lipstick, hangs between two windows.

Next on my list is a little chandelier, set of just-right curtains and a wash of paint for the walls.

I watched my mom powder her nose, blot her lips and put on mascara

from my perch on the side of the bathtub or atop the clothes hamper.

The Closet is where my girls gather, to watch their mother transform.

They like to swagger in my shoes and flash my jewelry.

They style outfits, and I strut their choices while they accessorize me.

I love this space.

When I'm blue, I venture into my Dressing Room.

I turn up my tunes and step into a pair of my highest heels.

I leave the Cranky Mom, Dutiful Wife and Under-Appreciated Everything Else,

at the door...and I dance.

My Closet.

My 6'x8' Fashion Vault.

I love my closet, therefore I am...

A woman.

And I love being a woman.

Crap, no pictures of the closet! No cameras allowed in The Boutique!