Just Thinking Out Loud Here...

What does every CEO, President, Olympian, Oscar winner, Doctor, or any other 'successful' position have in common? An utter LACK of cynicism. "Real success cannot be achieved in the presence of cynicism... A cynic will always put their finger on the disease before they put it on health. It's the easy way to go."

I got this quote from my brother, Scott--who heard it from a friend.

It was so impacting

I had to post it here

Would love to leave it up for a month

So completely and utterly

TRUE

Really

So, so true

Now, here is what I think:

Cynicism is crippling.

It can halt you in your tracks

and can keep you from

reaching out to accomplish,

pursuing a dream,

believing in love,

going for that promotion,

putting yourself on the line,

taking a risk,

having faith to believe,

taking the plunge,

making a commitment,

letting down your guard,

opening up,

living life fully,

doing the right thing,

pushing for change,

standing up for justice,

seeing the possibilities,

and just about

anything

else!

OK

and here is more of what I think...

The only real cure for cynicism

is forgiveness.

Forgiveness.

The only way to cure cynicism

is to forgive

whoever caused

the hurt,

the broken-ness

the disappointment

the betrayal

the let-down...

Whoever, or even whatever

broke your heart

smashed your hopes

crushed your dreams

hurt you

snubbed you

embarrassed you

neglected you

damaged you

gave you up

gave you away

gave up on you

let you go

didn't stop you

didn't want you

didn't believe in you

didn't trust you

didn't notice you

didn't help you

didn't return the favor

didn't follow through

didn't return your love

didn't answer your questions

didn't give you a chance

judged you

left you

left you out

singled you out

sold-you-out

broke their promise

broke your trust

failed you

turned on you

over-looked you

stood in your way

kept you in the dark

took you for granted

took advantage of you

took your place

stole from you

tricked you

avoided you

mocked you

made fun of you

meddled in your life

turned others against you

blamed you

lied about you

cheated on you

or did

something

else.

The only way out

(if you want out)

is to

forgive them.

him.

her.

yourself.

And then,

I guess

after the forgiveness part,

the only other thing left to do,

is let go of the fear

that it's all going to happen

again.

And again.

But,

here's the thing,

if it does,

you can always forgive again.

And

I'm sure

I make it all sound too simplistic.

I'm so naive.

I'm far too optimistic

about all of this.

(especially, if you're cynical)

Doppel What?

So, the trend on Facebook (lately), is to post a picture of THE celebrity to whom you are most often compared.

REALLY?

Are there many of us who are actually compared to celebrities, on a consistent basis?

I could take this exercise in MANY directions...
There are a couple I've been compared to over the years.
A few, I WISH someone would tell me I resemble.

But, even when I put a dozen pictures into one of those computer-generated-read-your-face websites, the images of look-alikes they spit out, leave me baffled:
Portia De Rossi
AND
Katherine Heigl?
Really?
Seriously?
I am tempted to put a picture of Raquel Welch, Lynda Carter or Catherine Zeta-Jones into the same computer program,
to see THEIR look alikes.
Wish they'd spit out a picture of ME as their results.
Wonder how that would make them FEEL?

I'm not about to get hung up on this.
This isn't an essay about being happy with who you are,
looking in the mirror and liking yourself more,
or any of that crap we're trying to infuse our daughters with,
in an attempt to create self-esteem and positive body images.

Frankly, I don't even know what this is about.
I think it's about the fact that
(gasp)
I'm beginning to consider having some "work" done.

(And I'm not talking about the long-overdue tummy tuck I dream about at night)

I NEED to get some work done.

And I should just get on with it.

I need Michelle Obama's arms.

I need to develop those biceps.

Summer is approaching, as is swim suit season.

I need Lynda Carter's teeth.

Those white, white teeth.

Only a package of Crest Strips away.

I need better eyebrows.

Maybe Salma Hayek's.

A magnifying mirror, tweezers and a steady hand...are all it would take.

I need Mother Teresa's selflessness

and

Angelina Jolie's always-room-for-one-more, open hands

and

Madonna's dedication to re-inventing herself every five years

and

Maya Angelou's way with words

and

Audrey Hepburn's elegance

and

Mary J Blige's swagger

(as well as the name of her tattoo artist)

and

my mother's

devotion

grace

wisdom

smile

and

scent.

Yes.

I need to have some "work" done.

And you know what?

Every bit of it,

is possible.

I CAN:

do

have

or become

any or all

of these things.

Because honestly, there is nothing...

Nothing...

NOTHING

(except

ME

and my tendencies to

procrastinate,

ponder and

justify,

when I should get up and do something

or change something),

preventing

Any

or

All

of those things, traits, characteristics or strengths

from becoming part of the woman I am.

I am

after all,

a woman.

And I love being a woman.

Well,

other than my mother's smile

and scent.

Those will never be duplicated,

and will be missed...

always.

My Top 70 Songs of 2009 (sort of)

I was tortured this afternoon.
Forced to listen to the repeat broadcast of

Radio Disney's Top 50 Songs of 2009.
I love my daughters,
But can only take so much of the Jonas Brothers,
Before wanting to throw open my door,
fling myself out of the car

and down an embankment

on the side of the road.

But it got me thinking.
About my music.
2009 was my best year, musically, in ages.
Best concerts.
Best discoveries.
Best, best, best.

Decided to post my own list of Top Songs...of sorts.
You see,
Mike bought me a new computer the last week of December in 2008
(next to my house, it is my all-time favorite THING in my life).
With it, my iTunes library was reset.
Which means, all my play counts, for ALL my music, were reset to 0.
I love this.
I have an almost-perfectly-accurate count of exactly what I have listened to for the past 12 months.
And how often I've listened to it.
Almost perfect, because the tunes I listen to on CD in the car, aren't included in the count...
But close enough, right?

So here it is.
But I must explain...
I decided to list each artist--- ONLY ONCE
Which means,
even if I have listened to hundreds of songs by

Mary J Blige, U2, Alicia Keys or Lyle Lovett,
ONLY THE ONE SONG I LISTENED TO THE MOST BY THEM,
made it on to the list I'm posting here.
Otherwise, I would only have 10-12 artists, filling the top 100 slots.

This means, a lot of my favorite songs didn't make the list.

A lot.

But I think the variety of music is more interesting.

So my list isn't 100 songs long.
It's more like 70 artists long.
And, I'll admit right here,
Not EVERYONE on the list is REALLY an artist.
Some of these folks are purely entertainers.
And there is a big difference between the two.
Each has a place in my life.

I love good music
I love good writing
I love weepers
I love sad songs
Didn't used to...
Used to only listen to happy songs
Light songs.
Also, used to listen to a lot of pop (I know--crap).
But now there is more to my music than before.
And as a result, more to me.
So, there is still a good bit of pop on my list
But some other really good stuff.
Thanks to the influence of friends and some personal discoveries.

Comments are welcome.
Criticisms aren't.
Add some suggestions for me to entertain in 2010.
I'd appreciate the help!

1. Big Girls Are Best - U2
2. Lovesick - Bob Dylan
3. Empty Baseball Park - Whiskeytown
4. Where the Stars Go Blue - The Coors
5. I'm the Man Who Loves You - Wilco
6. Tell You Something - Alicia Keys
7. Grown Woman - Mary J Blige
8. Maybe - Ingrid Michaelson
9. Big Moon - John Doe
10. Falling into You - Kasey Chambers
11. Make You Feel My Love - Adele
12. When You Find Me - Joshua Radin
13. Soul Meets Body - Death Cab for Cutie
14. Just the Morning - Lyle Lovett
15. One Moment More - Mindy Smith
16. River - Sarah MaLachlan
17. Breathe - Maria McKee
18. Poughkeepsie - Over the Rhine
19. Wheel - John Mayer
20. You and Me - Rosie Thomas
21. Love Story - Taylor Swift
22. Little Less Conversation - Elvis
23. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
24. Did You See the Moon Tonight - A Girl Called Eddy
25. Love Hurts - Incubus
26. Nobody - Paul Simon
27. Wheels - Lone Justice
28. When It Don't Come Easy - Patty Griffin
29. Clocks - Coldplay
30. Kiss - Prince
31. Outskirts of Blue - The Greencards
32. I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas
33. I Need You - Lee Ann Womak
34. You Make My Heart Beat Too Fast - Julie Miller
35. Someday - Rob Thomas
36. Feel Like I Love You - The Hiders
37. Droplets - Colbie Caillat
38. Not Forgotten You - Kelly Willis
39. Butterfly - Jason Mraz
40. I Celebrate the Day - Reliant K
41. All I Want - Violent Femmes
42. The Man Who Can't Be Moved - The Script
43. Melt Your Heart - Jenny Lewis
44. Wish I Could Forget - The Weepies
45. Turn Me On - Norah Jones
46. Empire State of Mind - Jay-Z
47. Somewhere Out There - Steve Earle
48. Somehow, Someday - Ryan Adams
49. Crazy Girl - Hail the Size
50. Periodically Double or Triple - Yo La Tengo
51. Changing My Mind - Bob Schneider
52. I Thought I Saw Your Face Today - She & Him
53. Smash Into You - Beyonce
54. Pretty Pathetic - Smoking Popes
55. Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
56. Resistance - Muse
57. Ten Thousand Words - The Avett Brothers
58. Seeing Stars - Jack Ingram
59. Somewhere Down the Road - Feist
60. Rave On - M. Ward
61. Rain - Creed
62. Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want - The Smiths
63. Let's Be Friends - Bruce Springsteen
64. Love Addict - Family Force 5
65. Low - Flo Rida
66. Goodbye - Hootie & The Blowfish
67. If I Die Sudden - John Mellencamp
68. Sweet Thing - Keith Urban
69. She is Love - Parachute
70. Fire Burning - Sean Kingston

This Christmas

My favorite hour,
of my favorite day
during my favorite month.
December 24th, 11:00pm-12:00am
Here I sit.
Here is what I am thinking...

For this hour each year, I feel as close to holiness and perfection as is possible. I do not personally feel that holiness or perfection, but I feel it in the worlds around me. The Natural world. The Spiritual world. The two worlds in which I live, are the closest they can come to merging as one. For this hour, every year, each moment is filled with expectation and warmth. The commercial part is finished. The shopping is done. There are sometimes, still tasks to be done (though I do all I can to be finished before 11 o'clock each year), but for the most part, this is the sacred opportunity to stop, sit, listen and look at the sparkle and glow of what is going on around me..and take in the magic, the wonder, the promise and the hope that holds the worlds in stillness and silence. This is when I feel my peace. This is when I feel stirred.

I pulled it all together this year.
Shopping
Decorating
Baking
Celebrating
Savoring
Family-timing
Tradition-building
The Works

I am pleased
and satisfied
and filled

And that would have been enough.
This Christmas already stood out as a victory compared to the one last year.
This Christmas had already shaped up to be one of my personal (adult) bests.

But
There is more.
There is always more.

Today.
EVERYTHING changed.
I changed.
Today.

And I didn't see it coming.
You'd think, after having the same hope
Praying the same prayer.
Believing for the same miracle...
For at least ten years,
I'd have been more expectant.
More prepared.
More alert and ready.

I have needed a circumstantial mountain moved in my life
A mountain with a steep emotional incline.
A sorrow-capped mountain I've been trying to scale for years.
Today, GOD moved it.
Not because of my faith.
Not because of my efforts.
Simply because of His goodness.

And truth be told, not a single circumstance was affected.
Nothing, in plain sight, shifted.
Nothing is any different today, than yesterday.
Except for me.
God changed me.
God opened my eyes.
Changed my heart.
And moved the mountain in ME
that was blocking my vision of Him.
He shifted my focus. My direction. My course.
He has changed me.
And the mountain is behind me.
Over to the side somewhere.
No longer looming ahead of me,
Casting a shadow over everything else in my path.

I am as surprised at His moving me,

as I am shocked that I didn't see it coming.

How could I pray for so long,

ask for freedom,

believe He could rescue me...

and then stand amazed when He actually did it?

Did I pray with so little faith, that I didn't look for His answer?

Did I lose hope so quickly that I prayed only words to Him, without confidence that He could hear me?

At once I feel sadness that I didn't see Him moving.

Then I feel embarrassment that I was so short-sighted in my expectations of His faithfulness.

Then I feel comfort

and relief

and peace

and love

and warmth

that He has delivered me, because of Himself.

Because of who He is.

Because of His character

and His nature

and His love.

Much like He sent Himself...

in the flesh

a man among men,

a baby in the midst of His children

To a people who had been told He would come and deliver,

To those who had trusted and prayed for His coming.

To a waiting, expectant, needy people...

Who didn't see Him coming.

Who had no room for them in their homes or inns when He arrived.

Jesus made me a shepherd today.

He blew open the sky,

while I was tending my flock,

consumed with the hustle and bustle of family, marriage and work.

I was given Good News.

I was told to not be afraid.

I was blessed again, with a Savior.

God is with me.

He has come.

And that has changed everything.

That has changed me.

He has changed me.

Finally.

Again.

Merry Christmas.

Merry, merry Christmas.