Spilling My Guts, Once Again

I'm in bed
where I have been for the better part of the past four weeks.

And while it has been a struggle to keep myself in bed
resting
recovering
getting better

and healing...

it truly has become
the
better
part
of my last four weeks.

I have been in bed
taking it easy--
for four weeks,

to allow
more than a hundred internal stitches
muscle tissue
organs
and
blood vessels
to become what they need to be

once again.

I am missing parts.
I am missing 6 parts I was born with.
I had six pieces of my insides
taken
out

and I had other areas cleaned
scraped
stripped
re-attached
repositioned
and
burned away

And I am grateful for it.

I am grateful for
every
bit of it.

But,
I am especially grateful
extremely thankful
for the past four weeks.

I am
deeply affected
and
dramatically moved
by what
these past four weeks
have given me.

I was given a gift
through this surgery.

I left the hospital
physically
emptier than I have ever been in my life.

And
have arrived at this writing,
fuller than I have been in years

While parts were taken from me,
much more was given
to
me.

These weeks,
were
an opportunity
a gift
(hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime chance to


do





nothing




but
think
reflect
pause
contemplate
absorb
connect
consider
meditate
examine
conclude
and
realize.

And,
as a result of this time,
I have spent four weeks
re-living
releasing
forgiving
accepting
allowing
believing
trusting
receiving
understanding
prioritizing

my life
my relationships
my needs
my wants
my
self:

mentally,
emotionally,
physically,
and
spiritually.

And at the end of four weeks
with two more weeks to go
before I am at the end of my
recovery period,

I have new
hope
peace
energy
enthusiasm
drive
love
and
intention

for
the life I have ahead of me
the people I love
the people who love me
and the future that is mine.

I have less need for
things
and
stuff
and

circumstances which are
wastes
of my
energy
and
time
and
emotions
and

love.

This time
has taught me
about what matters
who matters
and how I want to spend my energy
from here on out.

And,
perhaps more importantly,
how I

don't

want to spend my energy
my thoughts
my emotions
my life

from here on out.

So,
now,
I am here to write about it
share what I have figured out
express what I have decided
clarify what I now understand.

I wish
everyone
(and I mean, EVERY ONE)
could go through what I just experienced
for four weeks.

Maybe not the surgical pain part
(though, I learned even through that).
Maybe not the pain that landed me in the hospital in the first place
(though even that part is critical to the lessons I am learning).
But,
the rest part...
the four weeks of resting

The Four Weeks.

Many days alone
spent with myself
to think
about the people in my life
the hurts of my past
the failed friendships
the strained relationships
the annoyances and let-downs
the past mistakes
the future hopes

and what really matters

to
me.

It would be
beneficial
life-altering
relationship strengthening
personally challenging
family empowering
spiritually renewing
for
everyone
to spend
four weeks
doing nothing.

I don't mean
getting away from it all
or vacationing
or relaxing.

I mean
doing
nothing.

No serving or doing for others
No working
No performing
No activities
No busy-ness

No showing off
or showing-up
or putting on a show

No interference
No commitments
No displays
No excuses
No faking
No impressing
No involvement with the outside

No intentions...

other
than

to

heal.


Imagine,
if we all took time to heal.

Imagine if
we
had

time

to
heal.

Imagine if
we had
to take
that kind of time
on
our
selves

to think
forgive
renew
face
accept

and

heal.


I have a new
favorite
way
to spend my time....

healing.

It's a life-changer.

There's more to come.
Meet me here again,
soon.

Becky

Mission (not even CLOSE to being) Accomplished

From the time I could write,
I have loved making lists.

And from the time I could write lists,
I have made "Things TO DO" lists.

I tediously created lists as a girl with:

1. Wake Up
2. Brush Teeth
3. Get Dressed
4. Brush Hair
and
5. Eat Breakfast

often securing the "Top 5" spots--
mostly because I knew I would be able to
check them off
without much effort,
and I'd feel like I'd already
accomplished something
within the first ten minutes of waking.

And that made me feel good...
made me feel like I was off to a good start.

And then, at night,
I would take out my list again,
and see how many things I had been able to
accomplish
throughout the course of the day.
Which often,
typically
usually
wasn't very much...
despite my stellar first-thing-in-the-morning
start.

I still tend to do that.
Maybe not with an actual list anymore
(though sometimes I still make lists,
but more so to help me remember what I need to do
because I am forgetting more and more these days),
but I do tend to look at my day,
at the end of my day
and survey
review
assess
critique
what I have managed to
accomplish
in and with
my day.

But not today.
Not right now.
Right now,
I am thinking about a different kind of accomplishment.

I am thinking about what I accomplish
with my words
and my actions
and my deeds
and my demands
and my stands
and my declarations
and my confrontations
and my victories
and with the rights I exercise
and insist upon
and lobby for
and claim
for
my
self.

I am asking myself questions.
I am taking a moment to pause
and see the motive behind
what
I am wanting
to accomplish

and
surveying the fall-out
and
casualties
of what I am
actually
accomplishing
with my words
and
my actions.

What did I accomplish with that 'look?'
What did I accomplish with that statement?
What did I accomplish with those words?
What did I accomplish with that action?

And was it worth it?

And why did I do it?

And
most importantly,
to me
today,
right now
in this moment...

What else did I accomplish, while I was busy accomplishing for myself?

Did I hurt someone else? Or help with healing?
Did I make someone feel smaller? Less than? Not good enough? Or stronger?
Did I reject? Shut out? Or defend and protect?
Did I exclude? Offend? Or welcome someone in?
Did I make my point clear? And close my ears?
Did I stand up for righteousness? Or sentence someone with my judgement?

Did I push myself to be more, care more and be kind?
Or did I do it my way, and demand others do likewise?

Did I consider, forgive and show compassion?
Or did I only see my offense
and my rights?

Did I point out the obvious?
Focus on the fault?
Find the failure?
And 'rub their face in it?'
Or, did I put myself in their shoes
trade places for a moment
treat them how I'd like to be treated
love them
embrace them
and
smile upon them with grace?

And
Did I accomplish, just because I had a right to do it?
Did I accomplish, in the name of righteousness and justice,
what was really about something else entirely?
When it was about something within me...
like fear
or disappointment
or guilt
or anger
or revenge
or vindication
or a desire to control
or to make someone suffer
or to 'help' them get, what I believe they deserve?

Yes.
I accomplish things every day.
I complete tasks.
I manage to get done what has to be done
(usually)
But I accomplish
so
much
more
than simply what I do
or what I successfully check off my list.

I hurt people every day.
I wound.
I crush spirits.
I judge.
I envy.
I delight in downfalls.
I point out mistakes.
I am condescending.
I insist on my own way.
I declare myself right.
I condemn
and
I place myself, high above others.

And,
I am starting to think,
I might be
tougher
and harder
on people

than God is.

Because He loves
and He knows
and He forgives
and He heals
and He provides
and He cares for
and He protects
and He defends
and He sacrificed
and He restores
and He redeems

and
He completes
the work in me,
that He began.

He knows my ups and downs
and failures
and faults
and sins
and mistakes
and dismal attempts at goodness.
He knows the worst I have done....
and the many more awful things I am capable of
and have still, yet to do...

and He
has a plan
for my life.
And it is good.

He is for me.
His love
His kindness
His grace
His mercy
His forgiveness
His peace
His joy
His blessing
(and His blessings)
are mine.

He holds my future.
And He delights over me.
He sings over me.
He lavishly loves
and forgives me.
And He is faithful.
Even when I am
unfaithful
and faithless...
He is faithful
to me.

Even when others would prefer He not be.

Even when others would like to see
the price I should pay for my failures.

Even when others would rather see ill accomplished in my life.

Even when others do not forgive me...
He does.

He forgives me,
and has grace, mercy, love and joy for my days ahead.
He will accomplish what He loves.
And He loves me.

I really wish I was more like Him,
and less
like my
self.

I want my accomplishments
to reflect more
of Him...
and what
He is
accomplishing in me
and in my life.

I want to rest my head on the pillow at night
and my body at the end of my life,
on His accomplishments
in my life
through my life
and in the midst of my failures and faults.

I want His mission accomplished, in me.

Miss Understood

I've taken two days out of my
not-so-busy-life
to ponder
think
and
remember.

And,
I find myself reflecting
on past hurts
decisions
choices
mistakes
and
aches
in my life.

Some of which
were inflicted by others
many of which were
inflicted by
me.

And I am overwhelmed.
I am aware.
So
very
aware
that this life is filled
to overflowing
with
hurt
and pain
and sorrow
and
often,
secret
sadness.

We bear
our own set
of sorrows
which taunt us as night
whisper words of doubt
fill our heads with worry
flood our hearts with anger
and scream from beneath the pores
of our skin for vindication
or validation
or relief
or justice
or

forgiveness.



Life is filled with hurts
and hardness
and harshness

and mine,
for the past two days
has been filled
with
hindsight.

There are so many things I would change about my life
my decisions
my choices
my heart
me...
if given the opportunity.


If given the opportunity,

I would say 'no' when I said 'yes.'

I would say 'I am so very sorry'
and
'I have been so very wrong'
when I said nothing.

I would ask for help
rather than turn a cold shoulder

I would confess
rather than keep secrets

I would admit rather than cover-up

I would be open and vulnerable
about my deepest needs
and

I would fall apart weeping...
rather than hold in feelings of
rejection
disappointment
disillusionment
and
anger.

I would pretend less
and
confront
more.

I would confront more of who I really am.
I would confront more of my fears

and
I would accept love
better.

I would accept the love of others
better.

I would accept being loved
rather than
demand
I be loved
a certain way.

I would accept others
better.

And
I would think about
others
more
than I demanded they think of me.

I would
ultimately
seek
to
understand

rather than indulge
my own need to be understood.


And
in all of my reflecting
pondering
considering
and facing,
I have also remembered
what I have learned
and what I know
now
and
because of
how I have lived my life
thus
far.

I know...
truly
really
deeply
know,
in the midst
of all the hurts and sorrows
aches and shattered dreams
low moments
and haunting memories
gross oversights
grandest failures
and secret sadnesses

I know
His
beautiful
enveloping
soothing
healing
freeing--

Un-merited
Un-earned
Un-deserved
and
Un-believable

Forgiveness
Grace
and
Mercy.

I am loved.
I am understood.
I am known.
I am forgiven.

I have lived in the valley.

I have dwelled in the place where
Tears mingle with Relief
Ache blends into Comfort
Grief is coated with Grace
Failure is blanketed by Mercy
and
Healing
is fed
by

Forgiveness.

The Day After

I remember where I was, this day 11 years ago.
(as everyone else does, I'm certain).
But,
I also remember where I was the day after:

Disney World
and the emergency room.

On September 12th, we packed up
3 year-old Tucker
and 1-year old Tatum
and drove to Orlando, to take a trip we had already planned.
Our President had told us to "carry-on"
to continue living
and not let the horror gripping our nation
and our hearts
halt us
or keep us from the freedoms
we had taken for granted
the day before.

It was a difficult decision to make,
one I'm sure very few would have made.
But we went.
With broken hearts
and confused thoughts.
We went.

That night,
after we checked into our hotel,
we took the kids to the pool
and Tucker had an accident.
Sliced a gaping wound on the top of his foot
which needed stitches.
Hotel security called for an ambulance,
and Tucker and I climbed inside for a trip away from
"The Happiest Place on Earth"
to a hospital...
where I waited in a dripping bathing suit
for Tucker to get three shots and multiple stitches.
We were finished in no time,
and were ushered back to the hotel--
finishing out our trip.
Watching news reports and memorial services
in the hotel lobby and restaurants
with other guests
all trying to make sense of the chaos.

It was a
Surreal
Ironic
Stoic
and
Numbing
experience,
to 'vacation' while
mustering a
Forced Hopefulness
Determined Peace
and
Quieted Acceptance
in the midst of a very
Uncertain Tomorrow

But...

(not to diminish any of that...
not to take away from the remembering
and honoring
and acknowledging of the fallen
and the heroes
and missing
going on today...)

But,
I have been thinking
(again)
and connecting
(again)
today,
with how I felt then
and many, many times
since
then...

That LIFE is just kind of like that.

In this life
in today
in NOW,
there is confusion
and heart-ache
and devastation
and loss
and unexplainable difficulty
and out-of-left-field hurts
and blind-siding anguish
and shock.
And sometimes...
the hits just keep coming.
Sometimes,
even when we are doing our best to cope
and handle
and move on
and let go
and accept
and embrace...

we get kicked when we are

already

down.

And it feels like too much
and like there isn't even enough reason to
push through
and try.

But,
alas
as we know...

as we all know

we
are still
here
today

I am here.
I am looking back
at an anniversary-of-sorts.
My life has changed.
Life around me has changed.

And I am not
in
the
same
exact
place
I
was
before.

Life does go on.
Decisions are made
Memories are created
the sun rises
love begins
hope springs.
We grow
We reach
We see
We live
We continue.

Like
life,
I do not stay in the same place
(at least, I do not have to)
I can look for the good
set my face toward the sun
feel warmth
and love
and a renewed sense of purpose
and freedom
and destiny

Because,
I am
still
very
much
here
and
very
much

alive.

And I am going to
keep going
and loving
and feeling
and becoming.

I am not going to long for a
different
simpler
easier
more innocent
time.

I am going to look at where I am now,
what I have learned
who I have become
how I want to live my life
and where I want to be tomorrow.

Because
there is
always
always
always

a
day
after

and

I'm still here

to live it.