Meet My Children

Went shopping with my kids at Old Navy. Ducked into the fitting room to try on a few things. Told them to be good while I was gone & to stick together. When I came out, I couldn't find them ANYWHERE. Turns out, they were HERE. I passed them 3 times, before one of them laughed. Meet my children. They are GREAT & so much fun! They did this completely on their own.

Thick Skinned

...I am not.

And because I am not thick-skinned,
my heart is swollen and raw right now.

Because I wear it, not only on my sleeve,

but through every pore of my skin.


And right now,
my heart hurts.


Allow me to introduce myself,
I am Translucent Woman


Today,
I feel like everyone can see through me--
through my skin
past the muscles
and beyond the bones,
straight through my chest, to my heart.


They can see it
Because I have put it out there
They can Scrutinize
Criticize
Judge
Question
and
Make assumptions about my heart
and about Me.
(sometimes it is hard to tell us apart)
Because I have put us out there.


And, I guess that just comes with the territory.
I'll take the judgements and questions and assumptions
as they come.
And keep my heart out there,
on my sleeve,
seeping through my pores

I am not going to go back.
I am not going to lock my heart up in my chest

again.

I did that for a season of my life

I got to a point, where I could hardly feel it beating against my ribs

I lived for a while with it buried 

protected

muffled

and hidden

(I have done this with a clock before...smothered it under a pillow because the constant ticking pounded in my ears, and kept me from sleep)

I have emerged from that time

that time when the aches

and truths

and music

and love

and losses

of my heart, we too hard

for me to handle

I have left behind that darkness

that place, that valley

where the shadows and fears

of facing the deep disappointments of This Life

were too intense to acknowledge

or experience openly.

Here is what I learned during that time

Here is HOW I emerged,

Here is WHY I am no longer afraid:

I discovered that

keeping it all hidden,

keeping the sadness

and failures

and worries

and hurts

and grief

COVERED UP, INSIDE my heart,

Led me to an even deeper,

darker place

where hopelessness

and depression

were my primary companions.

When I hid my heart,

covering the darker, uglier,

messier, muddier parts--

I ended up feeling like a fraud.

I ended up feeling like a failure.

I ended up feeling like Mr Hyde.

Hiding my heart,

Hiding the realities of WHO I AM,

Left me more isolated

and broken

and hurting 

with each passing year

Here is what I realized

Here is what I know

Now

I am a fraud.

I am a fraud as much as I am sincere.

I am a failure

I am a failure as much as I am a success.

I am Mr Hyde

I am Mr Hyde as much as I am Dr Jekyll.
Perhaps, even more so


I am a mess
A beautiful mess.
I am His mess.
And I need Him.


And that is the whole, entire point
Of. It. All.


I spent most of my life, not wanting to be a mess.
Not wanting to admit, that I was a mess.
Surely, not wanting ANYONE to see, that I am a mess.


But, the evidence cannot be argued.
I am a mess.
A beautiful mess.


And there is freedom in being a mess.
There is true, pure, freedom in 
knowing
embracing
and accepting
that I am a mess.


Because, NOW
I don't have to hide it.
I don't have to smother the truth anymore
I don't have to put on a show
or pretend
or try to please
or fake my way through Life


I am a mess
and I declare it boldly.
I am a mess
and I screw up all the time
and make messes in my marriage
and with my children
and in my friendships
I am a Major Mess


And because I KNOW it
about myself,
I
don't
have
to
point out
your
messes
to
you


I was really good at that
I was really good at pointing out other people's messes.
Because I denied I had my own.


Now, I know the darkness
that place, that valley
where the shadows and fears
and deep disappointments of This Life
dwell


I have been there
I return there,
some days.


Like today.


But now, today
I am willing to do so openly.
Because I know I am not alone.
Yes, I know I have Him
and
I know you are there, too
I know you don't want anyone to know.
I know it is scary
and you feel like a failure
you are disappointed in yourself
you are struggling to keep a grip
grasping to hold on to your heart, lest it push right through your chest
you are ashamed and hurting and angry with yourself
because you have Faith
and you are Strong
and it's not that bad
and there are people who are much worse off than you, right?
Right?


I know you are right there, too.
And I know, you need to be told
that it's ok.
It's ok to be a failure
and to be Mr. Hyde


Just don't be a fraud
anymore


We are all messes
Beautiful messes
and we are loved
and we need to come clean about ourselves
and quit trying to have thick skin.


I don't want thick skin anymore.
I want to stay tender
and fragile
and sensitive
and open.


It's how I know I am alive
It's how I know, it will be better Some Day.
It will never be all better here.
But it will be better Some Day.


and 


Days like Today,
when my heart is swollen and raw
and my very pores are
aching for relief,


I know


that I am loved
that I am known
and
that I am understood
for the Beautiful
Dr Jekyll 
and 
Mr Hyde 
Mess 
that I am.

Risky Business

I've been thinking.
And I believe I've had a sort-of-epiphany.
I have been examining a critical question.
A question I have been asked a few time lately,
by women.

Women like me
who are navigating through
motherhood,
wife-ing
and faith.

Women who are wanting to be all they can be,
honor their God,
care for their children
and maintain good marriages.

First off,
I am always struck with the amount of
devotion
commitment
care
and selflessness
we as women
pour into our children (assuming we have them--I have FOUR).
I wonder how many minutes in any given week, would reflect the grand total of TIME
I spend on, for, with
my children.

Secondly,
I have been pondering the amount of time
devotion
commitment
care
and selflessness
we as women
pour into our husbands (assuming we have them--I have ONE)
AND YES, I am laughing at myself as I write this.
I am chuckling at the total number of minutes, in any given week, which would reflect the grand total of TIME
I spend on, for, with
my husband
.....in comparison to what I spend on my children.

Thirdly, am I the only one,
who's knows there is a GREAT discrepancy between those two totals?
Am I the only one,
who realizes (with some embarrassment)
that I do not
consciously GIVE
as freely, openly and sacrificially to
my husband
as I do to my children
(and I know, it is not because there are FOUR of them and ONE of him. I know it is not because he travels and commutes with work and is away from home a lot. I know it is not because he is a man of 44 and they are young people of 12 and 10 and 7)?

It is because of ME.
It is because of how I have placed importance on certain things and not others.
It is because I have made some things, some tasks, some duties (with my children)
more important, or necessary, or meaningful than him.
I know this.
I know I am doing better with this than I ever have before,
but I still know
there is a great imbalance between my EFFORTS toward Mike
and my ACCOMPLISHMENTS with my children.

But,
even this confession, this realization, this fact...
is NOT my actual epiphany.

Here is the question I have been struggling to answer...
(and thus the epiphany for MY life)
As I work on ME,
as I connect with myself
and learn more about loving and accepting ME
and becoming the woman I want to be
OUTSIDE of the roles and duties of
mothering
and
wife-ing....
How do I keep myself from becoming selfish?
How do I draw boundaries for myself, so I do not cross over into narcissism and neglect others?
Bottom line:
How do I know I am not being selfish when I take time out for me to REALLY focus on ME and what I want or need, and still be the kind of woman who loves and honors God with her life?

This is the question I have been asked by others.
This is what I have been pondering.
I want to be able to answer this question, when asked.
I want to be able to answer it for myself.

This is a major question.
This is a question (I believe),
rooted in guilt
driven by fear
and
(dare, I even state it)...
only HALF of the question we (I) REALLY should be asking.

Deep breath, Becky.
Here's where I cross a line into an area that might shut down interest in anything else I have to say (ever)...
I think the OTHER side of this question,
the question I would ALSO like to be asked
(and frankly, have NEVER been asked, and until now, really never considered as a question for myself) is:

How do I know, I am not working, laboring, doing, being selfless, volunteering for everything, driving everyone everywhere, and pouring out every ounce of my life and my energy, and neglecting myself, me as a woman----out of PRIDE---in those very actions and sacrifices?

Selfishness
or
Pride?

Both are risky business.

So why is it,
we feel guilty
and struggle with our fears
and question the possibility of
selfishness,

when we
rarely,
take a look at ourselves
and feel guilty
and struggle with fears
and question the possibility
that we are riddled with and
drowning in
PRIDE?

Pride
in what
we do for others,
what we give to our children
how we go without, for them
give up and drain ourselves for them.
And
at
the
end
of
the
day,
Pride in how we have been
Good Mothers
or Good People,
because of what we have done, and
how exhausted we feel.

I think
Pride guides us,
as women,
much more than Selfishness.

Here's the epiphany part:
I am starting to see that
Pride is
another type of
SELF-ish
behavior.
It is a valuing of ourselves
because of who we THINK we are,
based on something we are doing RIGHT.
It is a focus on OURSELVES
and what we do and accomplish,
which makes us appear noble
and virtuous
and self-sacrificing.

I know that's harsh.
I know that sounds judgmental.

Maybe I am the only one looking at myself and my mothering
(and some of my wife-ing, friend-ing and church-ing)
through a magnifying glass...realizing I am truly
prone
to walk
in pride
(and ignore it)
because it is OTHERS focused...
But makes me feel Good.
The exhaustion and stress and suffering and self-neglect
(on some level)
feed me
and make me feel like I am GOOD because of that exhaustion, stress, suffering and self-neglect,
like I am Good and Right, for DOING all the "right, self-sacrificing" things.
And then, when I crash at night, there are THINGS to SHOW for my day.
THINGS to SHOW for my time.
REASONS to point to,
as to why I am worn out and drained
and ready for sleep,
when my husband might be ready for......me.
(And then, I can do as I've done in the past...I can blame him, feel like it is him who is being selfish, because I have GIVEN ALL DAY LONG.)


Pride is MY confidence in the things I do, making me Good.
Selfishness however, just makes me look plain ol' Bad, or at the least Not Good.


Both are risky.
Neither is worse, or better than the other.

So now, for me,
the bigger more important questions, based on what I am "knowing" about myself today (post-epiphany) are:
Why am I not more concerned about Pride in my life?
Why am I so riddled with guilt and convinced it is so wrong, or inappropriate to concern myself with ME?
What is at the root of my pride and my selfishness?
What is driving ME in each of these situations?

Asking such questions, can be risky business.
It may stir up some tough answers.
Answers which point to conclusions
and even, epiphanies-of-sorts,
leading me to understand and accept how much of a mess I really am,
and how much I need Someone to clean up after me
and make me right with Him,
each and every day of my life.

What I do know, for sure, is that
if I ask these questions because I am examining my SELF,
getting to know ME,
spending time on ME,
exploring who I want to be....
If I am asking these questions during the times when I am focused on SELF
and they lead me to an understanding of my need for Him,
isn't that the Point of it All?
Isn't that why He came?
Does He love me any more, or less or differently, because I am closer to the truth about who I really am AND who I want to be?
Nope. He's known the truth about me, all along.
And it's in the "getting closer to the truth,"
in the ME times, that I take FOR myself,
that I know myself even better
and
know even better (and deeper),
how very much He obviously loves me
and how very obviously,
I
need
Him.

Let Freedom Ring

I eat dessert first (sometimes)

I eat my favorite chicken salad for breakfast (on occasion)

I head to the movies when my kids are in school (once a week, in August)

I put on make-up & re-do my hair at night, just to try new things (quite often)

I don't make my bed every morning

I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch from the box

I don't return all of my phone calls

I wear my over-the-knee boots around the house (in August)

I put on lipstick to check the mail

I try on dresses at the store, that I'd never wear in public

I wear in public, dresses some of you would never wear in your life

I wear skirts and dresses to school events

I wear heels to school meetings

I skip a real dinner sometimes, and fill up on wine

I buy pretty notecards I might never use, because I like them

I have three American Girl dolls, I don't let my girls play with

I don't finish reading books I don't like

I cut pages out of InStyle magazine & tape them into my Fashion Journal

I change to & start a new bottle of shampoo, when my other bottle isn't empty

I give/receive make-overs from my 7 year-old daughters

I don't volunteer at school. Really

I make my kids do their homework by themselves

I don't walk my kids to the bus stop

I let my kids skip school for Mental Health Days

I play Christmas music whenever the mood strikes

I slip treats under my kids' pillows for no reason at all

and I swear

AND

Today, I bought a sweater.

A yummy, textured, burnt orange,

ruffle-y collared

make-me-feel-so-happy

Sweater.

And it was 82 degrees out.

But I wanted to wear it.

So...

I cranked the AC,

Put on my sweater,

and a pair of jeans,

and a pair of boots,

lit my LEAVES scented candle in one room

and my PUMPKIN PIE candle in another

And sat in my Dining Room

which is ALWAYS decorated for Autumn.

I looked at and studied

the pumpkins,

gourds,

berries

and pine cones

in my favorite ceramic trays

arranged with

bark-covered candles and

leaves

And I was delighted

I felt Fall

I felt all the wonderful things I love about

Autumn

and ignored the fact that my kids were in shorts

and had been throwing water balloons a little earlier in the yard.

I escaped from the reality that Mike had mowed the yard on Saturday because the grass is still growing like crazy.

I allowed myself to experience TODAY

what is probably another 6 weeks from being TRUE

I did this today,

and do all the other things I listed above

because

I am free.

I am free to do them.

I have finally given myself the FREEDOM to

play

and have fun

and enjoy

and grab hold of, the things that bring me joy

and enhance my wonder, of this beautiful thing I have

called

LIFE.

I have been hung up

for so long

on doing things RIGHT

or being RIGHT

or

Correct

or

Abiding by Laws and Rules

of my own making,

or by cultural,

grown-up or

"what's expected"

standards

I spent too much time,

years, decades even,

DOING things I didn't want to do

or NOT doing things I REALLY wanted to do

because the calendar

the season

the neighbors

or other moms

or other wives

or other southerners

or other religious people

or other Williamsons or Usserys

DID them or DIDN'T do them.

I am, by nature

A Pleaser

A Rule Keeper

A Good Girl

(still true, all of the above)

But now,

NOW,

I am an adult.

I waited all of my young life,

to Grow Up....

and I love being a grown up.

I love being a woman.

And

It is now time,

for me to

step into,

walk through

and enjoy

all the experience,

wisdom

opportunity

creativity

fun

pleasure

and

Freedom

I have at my disposal.

I am not a rebel

I am not out to buck the system

or do destructive things

JUST BECAUSE I CAN....

But I am ready

to LIVE.

To live FULLY ALIVE and Awake!

I can say NO

when I don't want to do something

I can say

"I'll think about it"

When I'm not sure

and need more time to consider

I can

Change My MIND

in the middle of almost anything.

Really,

I can.

I am free to do that

and will take responsibility for my actions when

doing so necessitates it.

I can say YES to doing things

I have wanted to do

(but have NOT done because I felt silly or immature doing them

or considered FIRST what other people would think,

rather than what I wanted.)

And

I can put on a cozy sweater

and rig the AC to make the house chilly,

so I can savor a 30 minute preview

of my favorite season-to-come,

SIX weeks before it gets here.

There is absolutely

Nothing

Wrong

with being free.

Let Freedom Ring

(I've decided to listen to Elvis sing, Blue Christmas before I head to bed tonight.)

L, thank you for getting me thinking about this.

You are my inspiration for this post.

I love you, Becky