Let Freedom Ring

I eat dessert first (sometimes)

I eat my favorite chicken salad for breakfast (on occasion)

I head to the movies when my kids are in school (once a week, in August)

I put on make-up & re-do my hair at night, just to try new things (quite often)

I don't make my bed every morning

I eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch from the box

I don't return all of my phone calls

I wear my over-the-knee boots around the house (in August)

I put on lipstick to check the mail

I try on dresses at the store, that I'd never wear in public

I wear in public, dresses some of you would never wear in your life

I wear skirts and dresses to school events

I wear heels to school meetings

I skip a real dinner sometimes, and fill up on wine

I buy pretty notecards I might never use, because I like them

I have three American Girl dolls, I don't let my girls play with

I don't finish reading books I don't like

I cut pages out of InStyle magazine & tape them into my Fashion Journal

I change to & start a new bottle of shampoo, when my other bottle isn't empty

I give/receive make-overs from my 7 year-old daughters

I don't volunteer at school. Really

I make my kids do their homework by themselves

I don't walk my kids to the bus stop

I let my kids skip school for Mental Health Days

I play Christmas music whenever the mood strikes

I slip treats under my kids' pillows for no reason at all

and I swear

AND

Today, I bought a sweater.

A yummy, textured, burnt orange,

ruffle-y collared

make-me-feel-so-happy

Sweater.

And it was 82 degrees out.

But I wanted to wear it.

So...

I cranked the AC,

Put on my sweater,

and a pair of jeans,

and a pair of boots,

lit my LEAVES scented candle in one room

and my PUMPKIN PIE candle in another

And sat in my Dining Room

which is ALWAYS decorated for Autumn.

I looked at and studied

the pumpkins,

gourds,

berries

and pine cones

in my favorite ceramic trays

arranged with

bark-covered candles and

leaves

And I was delighted

I felt Fall

I felt all the wonderful things I love about

Autumn

and ignored the fact that my kids were in shorts

and had been throwing water balloons a little earlier in the yard.

I escaped from the reality that Mike had mowed the yard on Saturday because the grass is still growing like crazy.

I allowed myself to experience TODAY

what is probably another 6 weeks from being TRUE

I did this today,

and do all the other things I listed above

because

I am free.

I am free to do them.

I have finally given myself the FREEDOM to

play

and have fun

and enjoy

and grab hold of, the things that bring me joy

and enhance my wonder, of this beautiful thing I have

called

LIFE.

I have been hung up

for so long

on doing things RIGHT

or being RIGHT

or

Correct

or

Abiding by Laws and Rules

of my own making,

or by cultural,

grown-up or

"what's expected"

standards

I spent too much time,

years, decades even,

DOING things I didn't want to do

or NOT doing things I REALLY wanted to do

because the calendar

the season

the neighbors

or other moms

or other wives

or other southerners

or other religious people

or other Williamsons or Usserys

DID them or DIDN'T do them.

I am, by nature

A Pleaser

A Rule Keeper

A Good Girl

(still true, all of the above)

But now,

NOW,

I am an adult.

I waited all of my young life,

to Grow Up....

and I love being a grown up.

I love being a woman.

And

It is now time,

for me to

step into,

walk through

and enjoy

all the experience,

wisdom

opportunity

creativity

fun

pleasure

and

Freedom

I have at my disposal.

I am not a rebel

I am not out to buck the system

or do destructive things

JUST BECAUSE I CAN....

But I am ready

to LIVE.

To live FULLY ALIVE and Awake!

I can say NO

when I don't want to do something

I can say

"I'll think about it"

When I'm not sure

and need more time to consider

I can

Change My MIND

in the middle of almost anything.

Really,

I can.

I am free to do that

and will take responsibility for my actions when

doing so necessitates it.

I can say YES to doing things

I have wanted to do

(but have NOT done because I felt silly or immature doing them

or considered FIRST what other people would think,

rather than what I wanted.)

And

I can put on a cozy sweater

and rig the AC to make the house chilly,

so I can savor a 30 minute preview

of my favorite season-to-come,

SIX weeks before it gets here.

There is absolutely

Nothing

Wrong

with being free.

Let Freedom Ring

(I've decided to listen to Elvis sing, Blue Christmas before I head to bed tonight.)

L, thank you for getting me thinking about this.

You are my inspiration for this post.

I love you, Becky

NEW BLOG UP AND RUNNING!

For those who have sent me notes with comments and questions about how I lost 100 lbs (see the YouTube link below), I have started another BLOG devoted (almost exclusively) to stuff related to weight loss. You can link to it from "View My Complete Profile," right there>>>> under that Contemplative-Writer-Type picture of Yours Truly. Or you can do it the old fashioned way by copying and pasting this:

dancepartyforone.blogspot.com

I am very excited and encouraged by everyone's interest and support! Can't wait to see where my new blog takes me and how it helps and inspires others...because THAT is my hope!

I will still be here, blogging on Truth Time

as I have in the past

reflecting on the things in life

that are teaching me

more and more

about myself

The response to my weight loss story

has been a shining light to me....

that people, mostly women,

need to hear each others stories.

And we need to be told those stories with

honesty

openness

and above all,

vulnerability

That's what I've been hearing

That's what your notes have been saying to me

Thank you for sharing openly

Thank you for putting to words, what I feel

I needed hope

I needed someone to understand

I need someone to help show me the way

More than ever,

I want to be open

I want to peel back the layers and let my heart

OUT

I want to examine my life and share the results

without all the filters

and pretense

and insincerity

and falsehood

I am prone to use to cloak the real, faltering, genuine Me.

I want to be more transparent

because I am finding

the more I reveal about myself,

the more my fears of rejection and judgement

diminish,

because each time I come clean,

about the truth

about ME,

I am met with friendship, community and acceptance.

And it fills me up.

So here's to emptying myself out

and finding myself refreshed, renewed

and content

and in very Good Company

My Victory Lap

100 of the Greatest Results of Losing 100 lbs.

(Note: I have been sitting on this post for MONTHS. Honestly...months. I wrote it soooo long ago {and had it rattling around in my head for months before that}, but shied away from posting it. I wanted to wait until I felt safe enough to let the world "in" on my life....my struggle...my success. I lost the 100, a while back. I've kept it off. I'm opening up. And letting it out. Reminding myself, and revealing more of the layers of me. The Authentic, Filled-With-Flaws-But-Changing-and Growing....Me.)

100. Being able to post before and after pics (NEXT TIME)

99. Not having to hide behind other people when cameras are flashing

98. Having one chin

97. No longer having to buy WIDE shoes (because my feet went down a size and width)

96. Having a neck

95. Wearing belts

94. Discovering it's easy to climb a flight of stairs without gasping

93. Double-takes in the mirror because I don't recognize myself

92. Trying on smaller and smaller (and smaller) sizes

91. Looking forward to bathing suit shopping

90. Surprising friends (and non-friends) who haven't seen me in a long time

89. Getting on the scale at the doctor's office, and being happy

88. Riding a roller coaster, and listening to the harness go: click, click, click, click, click... (instead of hoping it catches after ONE click)

87. Having normal sized eyes in my head, instead of squinty ones

86. My children saying I'm pretty

85. Liking what I see in the mirror

84. Having a selection of stores for shopping

83. Posing for pictures with my old jeans, like they do on TV

82. Recognizing MY problems are of MY own making

81. Feeling like I can do ANYTHING

80. Inspiring others

79. Off-the-charts confidence

78. Discovering my husband, re-discovering ME!

77. No longer having migraines

76. Being able to walk without my thighs rubbing together

75. Knowing I look better at 40, than I did at 30...and 20...and 15...

74. Wanting to meet new people, rather than hiding

73. Finding creative ways to reward myself for every 10 pounds I lost

73. Filling my closet with color, rather than always wearing black

72. Knowing I am FINALLY, on the outside, who I've always been, on the inside

70. Admitting it is a CHOICE to live as a victim and resist change

69. Going strapless

68. Dropping 8 sizes

67. ENERGY

66. Having a husband who can't keep his hands off me

65. My children being able to completely wrap their arms around my waist and hold on to their own elbows

64. Sitting comfortably in movie theatre seats

63. Going down two ring sizes

62. Learning I can refuse to give up, sit back or wallow in SELF

60. Being proud of myself

59. Waking up NOT SORE in the morning

58. Not sweating (as much!)

57. Celebrating it as a permanent change, because I took 18 months to do it

59. Embracing and accepting that I really can re-start my life whenever I choose

58. Finding mental, emotional and physical strength I never knew I had

57. Feeling and being emotionally free and open

56. Knowing my husband is proud of me

55. Finding supportive friends in new places

54. Letting people in on my struggles, rather than shutting them out

53. Clear skin

54. Having a better body than ever before in my life

53. Watching The Biggest Loser and knowing I did it, without a trainer, chef, surgery or diet

52. Watching The Biggest Loser and NOT thinking, "One Day I will do that..."

51. Getting a part-time job so I can buy new clothes

50. Giving my clothes away when they get too big

49. Liking Every Single Item in my closet

48. Dressing like a woman instead of a mom

47. Having a waist

46. Discovering my legs are a lot better than I thought

45. Realizing how much my weight, was weighing me down emotionally

44. Understanding my weight had become a suit of armor I used to protect myself

43. Re-learning how to shop and dress for my body-type

42. Finding out I ACTUALLY have a body type

41. Having a man ask for my phone number at the grocery store

40 Having a stranger buy me a dozen roses at another grocery store

39. Seeing a surprised look from people when they find out I have four kids (as they give me the "once-over" from head to toe)

38. Celebrating Every Single Day of My Life, Because I Took It Back, and Became ME, Again!

37. Shopping at Victoria's Secret

36. Strutting around in things from Victoria's Secret

35. Rediscovering my love of music...and dancing

34. Not being fat

33. Getting clothes for Christmas instead of "stuff"

32. Putting my 11 year-old son on my back and walking around for ten minutes...to remind me I carried THAT much extra weight for a decade

31. Drinking LESS wine, and it having a stronger effect (who am I kidding, I don't drink any less than before)

30. Eating cheesecake, donuts, nachos and Reese's without fear that I'm going to gain it all back if I treat myself, every now and then.

29. Decreasing my risk of diabetes

28. Knowing I've set a good example for my daughters by taking responsibility for, and control of, my health

27. Knowing my children are not embarrassed by my size (now I can embarrass them in other ways)

26. Feeling beautiful

25. Believing this is just the beginning of new things in my life

24. Watching 90% less TV (my favorite snacking time), and it not bothering me one bit

23. Buying fashion magazines and attempting what I see

22. Not feeling jealous or envious of women who managed to lose their pregnancy weight and look great as moms

21. Connecting with the woman in me and becoming a better wife and mother, because of it

20. Not having to unbutton my pants after eating out

19. Realizing mayo doesn't really change the flavor of a great burger, so I can leave it off

18. Finding myself getting cold on a chilly night and needing to wear socks to bed.

17. Choosing to NEVER look SCHLUMPY again, because I did that for 10 years and looked like crap most of the time

16. Wearing my hair pulled back, and liking my face

15. Wearing my hair straight because I don't have to hide behind big hair

14. Growing my hair past my shoulders because I like how it looks on my smaller face

13. Climbing on top of the house to hang Christmas lights without being afraid I'll step through the roof

12. Looking FORWARD to being 45 and 50 and 55 and so on...because Everything is Different now. I am different...now.

11. Not having to come up with "funny" one liners about my size and weight--getting to think of one-liners that are actually FUNNY and not self-deprecating

AND THE TOP 10 GREATEST RESULTS OF LOSING 100 POUNDS:

10. Feeling TALL (for the first time), rather than BIG-BONED

9. Getting to post this:

I currently weigh

30 pounds less than on my wedding day

35 pounds less than when I graduated from college

20 pounds less than I did on the day a boyfriend told me he might be more attracted to me if I'd lose ten pounds (stupid that I remember this almost 20 years later...but sometimes words hurt and linger long after break-ups.)

(By the way, I forgive you...I realize you were young then and didn't know better--right?)

and

12 pounds less than when I graduated from high school.

I am not skinny, nor do I want to be,

but I do wear the same size jeans

I wore when I was 13,

in the 8th grade

8. Knowing my husband weighs a WHOLE lot more than me...NOW

7. Having collar-bones

6. Wearing VERY high heels and boots, because in them, I look taller, thinner and sexier...and my feet don't hurt because there are 100 fewer pounds bearing down on them.

5. Getting a tattoo to commemorate, mark and celebrate the whole experience of meeting my goals and changing my life.

4. Being surprised by an amazing, powerful love for myself and from others I never knew before.

3. Gaining the courage to post this list--letting everyone know what I've accomplished, because the shame I felt about NEEDING to lose 100 pounds, is now a part of my PAST, my HISTORY, my STORY, and it does not define ME, my PRESENT or my FUTURE.

2. Recognizing that overcoming the greatest struggle and area of personal disappointment/failure I have felt in my entire life, is worth shouting, singing, dancing and blogging about--even if it means people who didn't know it, find out I used to be really fat.

1. Knowing that no matter what,

completely regardless of the 100 pounds,

even if I hadn't lost the weight,

even if I needed to lose 200 or 600 pounds,

and never

even tried

to lose it,

God loves me

and gave His Son to, and for me

to make me right with Him.

Knowing that God looks at my heart,

and

loves me

because of Who HE is,

and

finds me to be pleasing because of Jesus.

Knowing that He knows

and

loves me...

and

is

very

fond

of me.

No matter what.

Resting in the assurance,

confidence

and truth

that my body is just a shell, anyway

A house-of-sorts, for my soul.

A temporary place where my spirit and His, reside.

For now...

Until one day,

when I am greeted

face to face

with open arms

by Him...

Weightless

Healthy

Flawless

and

Whole

for all eternity

That is worth more than 100 Million pounds of gold.