Hanging Up My Wonder Woman Cape (Well, kinda)

5 pounds
No more than five pounds

For the first and second weeks of my
surgery recovery
I was restricted
to carrying nothing that weighed
more than
five pounds.

My purse weighs more than five pounds.

During the remaining four weeks,
I was permitted to carry no more than
10 pounds.

I was advised to
NOT
lift anything heavier
than
a gallon of milk.

The restrictions
were intended to help me heal
To force me to take it easy
To not cause extra strain
or pressure
or stress
or tearing
or ripping
or loosening

or damage

to my insides.

My guts.

Restrictions
to keep me
from
over
doing
it...

From
over
doing
my life
my routine
my commitments
my self

I was
told
advised
even, ordered

NOT
to take on more
than my body could manage.

My very weak body
My body in need of rest
My stitched
clamped
repairing
body.

My kids are in the habit of asking me,
"Does that weigh more than ten pounds?"
and saying,
"You're not supposed to be doing that Mom"
"Give that to me Mom, it weighs too much"
"You shouldn't have lifted that! It probably weighs 11 pounds!"
"Wait for me, I don't want you disobeying the doctor."
But my favorite is,'
"Don't hurt yourself Mom. I'll do it for you."

The doctors and nurses know
what a post surgery body
can handle
and
what it can't.

And,
a post surgery body
such as mine
cannot
should not

carry
too
much.

The medical folks are looking out
for my insides.
my physical well-being.

And I,
as a result
have been
learning
how to look out
for
myself

by taking
their
advice
to heart.
To my heart.

I take on too much
I carry too much
I bear the weight too often
I drag around
and wrestle with
far
too
much

in
my
heart.

But.

Now,

in
these
almost-five-weeks,
I have unloaded
many, many
pounds
of
life
which I was
at one time,
I was desperately
awkwardly
ineffectively
and
unnecessarily...
carrying.

I am now,
limiting myself
restricting myself
scaling back
trimming off
setting aside
re-placing
tossing
emptying out

pieces of the past
people in the way
moments in my memories
worries about the future
concerns of the present
and
struggles in my soul
which had burdened me
weighed me down
robbed my joy
and
irritated the crud out of me.

And
it has been
amazing.

There are concerns I must deal with.
There are plans I must make.
There are people who really are important to me.
There are commitments I will keep
Obligations I will meet
Priorities I will manage
and
a life I have to live,

But there is
so
much
nonsense
noise
chatter
garbage
and


crap


mingled
mangled
and tangled

with what
actually
counts,
actually
matters,
actually
means anything;


and
THESE things,

These truly
actual
important
meaningful
things
and people
and commitments
do
NOT weigh more than 10 pounds.

Now that I've figured this out,
healed in this regard,
begun living a new way,
I can handle them.
I can carry and conquer
manage and maintain
deliver and devote myself
to what matters.
Really matters.

I can,
and have,
let go--
of what does not.

I am light
and free
and emptied out of so
much
junk
that I used to try to sift through and hold on to:

People's opinions
expectations
judgements
perceptions
pressures
criticisms
and
beliefs

about

who
I am
should be
shouldn't be,
about what I've done
or haven't done
what I'm doing
or not doing
who I am with
how I am spending my time
how I am raising my children
what I have chosen....

Ahhhh...
deep breaths are so much better
peace is so much easier
my heart is so much freer.

For too long,
I was bundling up events
and disappointments
and confrontations
and rejections
and double-standards
and confusion
and pressure

adding them to my load
stuffing them down
allowing them to add bulk
throwing me off balance
weighing down my heart, soul and mind.

So,
If I have changed
it is for the better
If I am less involved
with an activity
a opportunity
an event,

or even
less
involved
with
people
(or even with you),

it is because I am only carrying what is right for me to carry
I am not taking on more than the 10 pounds
that matter to me.
The 10 pounds
I am choosing to focus on.
I no longer have to be Wonder Woman.

I simply don't have the strength...
(well, actually
I might have the strength,
but I am
choosing
where
and on what
and with whom
I am using the strength I have.)

I am weak
I am vulnerable
and
so
very
blessed
to have discovered it.

I am taking care of me...

and loving it.

I have loved this time of healing.
I have loved the results of thinking
and feeling
and forgiving
and deciding
and coming to a place
where I know
more deeply
who I am
what I want
how I want to be
what and who, I need in my future
and
what matters most
in my life...
and
deciding
what doesn't.


I love how

being limited,

has left me

feeling

limitless.


I wonder what would happen,
if we were all confined
to carrying only 10 pounds of our pasts
into our futures?

How many things would end up
left behind?
How many transgressions
failures
heartbreaks
griefs
disappointments
fights
frustrations
attacks
and judgements
would we choose to carry with us,
if we could only carry 10 pounds?

What would we choose to hold on to?
What (and who) would we release?

Carry what you want.

I choose to carry 10 pounds of
love
forgiveness
acceptance
kindness
faith
empathy
insight
wisdom
compassion

and

hope.

I want 8 pounds of what I carry
to
be
comprised of

hope.

I am restricting myself
to carrying
8 pounds of hope
and
2 pounds of
every
thing
else.

I want to be so filled with these things
that there isn't room for anything else.

I've only got 10 pounds I am allowed to carry
and I'm choosing wisely.

Spilling My Guts, Once Again

I'm in bed
where I have been for the better part of the past four weeks.

And while it has been a struggle to keep myself in bed
resting
recovering
getting better

and healing...

it truly has become
the
better
part
of my last four weeks.

I have been in bed
taking it easy--
for four weeks,

to allow
more than a hundred internal stitches
muscle tissue
organs
and
blood vessels
to become what they need to be

once again.

I am missing parts.
I am missing 6 parts I was born with.
I had six pieces of my insides
taken
out

and I had other areas cleaned
scraped
stripped
re-attached
repositioned
and
burned away

And I am grateful for it.

I am grateful for
every
bit of it.

But,
I am especially grateful
extremely thankful
for the past four weeks.

I am
deeply affected
and
dramatically moved
by what
these past four weeks
have given me.

I was given a gift
through this surgery.

I left the hospital
physically
emptier than I have ever been in my life.

And
have arrived at this writing,
fuller than I have been in years

While parts were taken from me,
much more was given
to
me.

These weeks,
were
an opportunity
a gift
(hopefully) a once-in-a-lifetime chance to


do





nothing




but
think
reflect
pause
contemplate
absorb
connect
consider
meditate
examine
conclude
and
realize.

And,
as a result of this time,
I have spent four weeks
re-living
releasing
forgiving
accepting
allowing
believing
trusting
receiving
understanding
prioritizing

my life
my relationships
my needs
my wants
my
self:

mentally,
emotionally,
physically,
and
spiritually.

And at the end of four weeks
with two more weeks to go
before I am at the end of my
recovery period,

I have new
hope
peace
energy
enthusiasm
drive
love
and
intention

for
the life I have ahead of me
the people I love
the people who love me
and the future that is mine.

I have less need for
things
and
stuff
and

circumstances which are
wastes
of my
energy
and
time
and
emotions
and

love.

This time
has taught me
about what matters
who matters
and how I want to spend my energy
from here on out.

And,
perhaps more importantly,
how I

don't

want to spend my energy
my thoughts
my emotions
my life

from here on out.

So,
now,
I am here to write about it
share what I have figured out
express what I have decided
clarify what I now understand.

I wish
everyone
(and I mean, EVERY ONE)
could go through what I just experienced
for four weeks.

Maybe not the surgical pain part
(though, I learned even through that).
Maybe not the pain that landed me in the hospital in the first place
(though even that part is critical to the lessons I am learning).
But,
the rest part...
the four weeks of resting

The Four Weeks.

Many days alone
spent with myself
to think
about the people in my life
the hurts of my past
the failed friendships
the strained relationships
the annoyances and let-downs
the past mistakes
the future hopes

and what really matters

to
me.

It would be
beneficial
life-altering
relationship strengthening
personally challenging
family empowering
spiritually renewing
for
everyone
to spend
four weeks
doing nothing.

I don't mean
getting away from it all
or vacationing
or relaxing.

I mean
doing
nothing.

No serving or doing for others
No working
No performing
No activities
No busy-ness

No showing off
or showing-up
or putting on a show

No interference
No commitments
No displays
No excuses
No faking
No impressing
No involvement with the outside

No intentions...

other
than

to

heal.


Imagine,
if we all took time to heal.

Imagine if
we
had

time

to
heal.

Imagine if
we had
to take
that kind of time
on
our
selves

to think
forgive
renew
face
accept

and

heal.


I have a new
favorite
way
to spend my time....

healing.

It's a life-changer.

There's more to come.
Meet me here again,
soon.

Becky

Mission (not even CLOSE to being) Accomplished

From the time I could write,
I have loved making lists.

And from the time I could write lists,
I have made "Things TO DO" lists.

I tediously created lists as a girl with:

1. Wake Up
2. Brush Teeth
3. Get Dressed
4. Brush Hair
and
5. Eat Breakfast

often securing the "Top 5" spots--
mostly because I knew I would be able to
check them off
without much effort,
and I'd feel like I'd already
accomplished something
within the first ten minutes of waking.

And that made me feel good...
made me feel like I was off to a good start.

And then, at night,
I would take out my list again,
and see how many things I had been able to
accomplish
throughout the course of the day.
Which often,
typically
usually
wasn't very much...
despite my stellar first-thing-in-the-morning
start.

I still tend to do that.
Maybe not with an actual list anymore
(though sometimes I still make lists,
but more so to help me remember what I need to do
because I am forgetting more and more these days),
but I do tend to look at my day,
at the end of my day
and survey
review
assess
critique
what I have managed to
accomplish
in and with
my day.

But not today.
Not right now.
Right now,
I am thinking about a different kind of accomplishment.

I am thinking about what I accomplish
with my words
and my actions
and my deeds
and my demands
and my stands
and my declarations
and my confrontations
and my victories
and with the rights I exercise
and insist upon
and lobby for
and claim
for
my
self.

I am asking myself questions.
I am taking a moment to pause
and see the motive behind
what
I am wanting
to accomplish

and
surveying the fall-out
and
casualties
of what I am
actually
accomplishing
with my words
and
my actions.

What did I accomplish with that 'look?'
What did I accomplish with that statement?
What did I accomplish with those words?
What did I accomplish with that action?

And was it worth it?

And why did I do it?

And
most importantly,
to me
today,
right now
in this moment...

What else did I accomplish, while I was busy accomplishing for myself?

Did I hurt someone else? Or help with healing?
Did I make someone feel smaller? Less than? Not good enough? Or stronger?
Did I reject? Shut out? Or defend and protect?
Did I exclude? Offend? Or welcome someone in?
Did I make my point clear? And close my ears?
Did I stand up for righteousness? Or sentence someone with my judgement?

Did I push myself to be more, care more and be kind?
Or did I do it my way, and demand others do likewise?

Did I consider, forgive and show compassion?
Or did I only see my offense
and my rights?

Did I point out the obvious?
Focus on the fault?
Find the failure?
And 'rub their face in it?'
Or, did I put myself in their shoes
trade places for a moment
treat them how I'd like to be treated
love them
embrace them
and
smile upon them with grace?

And
Did I accomplish, just because I had a right to do it?
Did I accomplish, in the name of righteousness and justice,
what was really about something else entirely?
When it was about something within me...
like fear
or disappointment
or guilt
or anger
or revenge
or vindication
or a desire to control
or to make someone suffer
or to 'help' them get, what I believe they deserve?

Yes.
I accomplish things every day.
I complete tasks.
I manage to get done what has to be done
(usually)
But I accomplish
so
much
more
than simply what I do
or what I successfully check off my list.

I hurt people every day.
I wound.
I crush spirits.
I judge.
I envy.
I delight in downfalls.
I point out mistakes.
I am condescending.
I insist on my own way.
I declare myself right.
I condemn
and
I place myself, high above others.

And,
I am starting to think,
I might be
tougher
and harder
on people

than God is.

Because He loves
and He knows
and He forgives
and He heals
and He provides
and He cares for
and He protects
and He defends
and He sacrificed
and He restores
and He redeems

and
He completes
the work in me,
that He began.

He knows my ups and downs
and failures
and faults
and sins
and mistakes
and dismal attempts at goodness.
He knows the worst I have done....
and the many more awful things I am capable of
and have still, yet to do...

and He
has a plan
for my life.
And it is good.

He is for me.
His love
His kindness
His grace
His mercy
His forgiveness
His peace
His joy
His blessing
(and His blessings)
are mine.

He holds my future.
And He delights over me.
He sings over me.
He lavishly loves
and forgives me.
And He is faithful.
Even when I am
unfaithful
and faithless...
He is faithful
to me.

Even when others would prefer He not be.

Even when others would like to see
the price I should pay for my failures.

Even when others would rather see ill accomplished in my life.

Even when others do not forgive me...
He does.

He forgives me,
and has grace, mercy, love and joy for my days ahead.
He will accomplish what He loves.
And He loves me.

I really wish I was more like Him,
and less
like my
self.

I want my accomplishments
to reflect more
of Him...
and what
He is
accomplishing in me
and in my life.

I want to rest my head on the pillow at night
and my body at the end of my life,
on His accomplishments
in my life
through my life
and in the midst of my failures and faults.

I want His mission accomplished, in me.

Miss Understood

I've taken two days out of my
not-so-busy-life
to ponder
think
and
remember.

And,
I find myself reflecting
on past hurts
decisions
choices
mistakes
and
aches
in my life.

Some of which
were inflicted by others
many of which were
inflicted by
me.

And I am overwhelmed.
I am aware.
So
very
aware
that this life is filled
to overflowing
with
hurt
and pain
and sorrow
and
often,
secret
sadness.

We bear
our own set
of sorrows
which taunt us as night
whisper words of doubt
fill our heads with worry
flood our hearts with anger
and scream from beneath the pores
of our skin for vindication
or validation
or relief
or justice
or

forgiveness.



Life is filled with hurts
and hardness
and harshness

and mine,
for the past two days
has been filled
with
hindsight.

There are so many things I would change about my life
my decisions
my choices
my heart
me...
if given the opportunity.


If given the opportunity,

I would say 'no' when I said 'yes.'

I would say 'I am so very sorry'
and
'I have been so very wrong'
when I said nothing.

I would ask for help
rather than turn a cold shoulder

I would confess
rather than keep secrets

I would admit rather than cover-up

I would be open and vulnerable
about my deepest needs
and

I would fall apart weeping...
rather than hold in feelings of
rejection
disappointment
disillusionment
and
anger.

I would pretend less
and
confront
more.

I would confront more of who I really am.
I would confront more of my fears

and
I would accept love
better.

I would accept the love of others
better.

I would accept being loved
rather than
demand
I be loved
a certain way.

I would accept others
better.

And
I would think about
others
more
than I demanded they think of me.

I would
ultimately
seek
to
understand

rather than indulge
my own need to be understood.


And
in all of my reflecting
pondering
considering
and facing,
I have also remembered
what I have learned
and what I know
now
and
because of
how I have lived my life
thus
far.

I know...
truly
really
deeply
know,
in the midst
of all the hurts and sorrows
aches and shattered dreams
low moments
and haunting memories
gross oversights
grandest failures
and secret sadnesses

I know
His
beautiful
enveloping
soothing
healing
freeing--

Un-merited
Un-earned
Un-deserved
and
Un-believable

Forgiveness
Grace
and
Mercy.

I am loved.
I am understood.
I am known.
I am forgiven.

I have lived in the valley.

I have dwelled in the place where
Tears mingle with Relief
Ache blends into Comfort
Grief is coated with Grace
Failure is blanketed by Mercy
and
Healing
is fed
by

Forgiveness.